Happy Mother's Day!!!

Today's post is dedicated to the mother's of "sick" kids.  This does not mean Cystic Fibrosis only.  I mean any mother who is raising a child with any type of "issue" whether it is physical, mental or emotional.

Parenting is tough.  From my few years as a step mother I have learned how difficult it can be, and I didn't even start off with a baby!  I was lucky enough to take on an 8 year old (though the older they are the more issues they come with too since you can't "mold" to your liking lol) and skip the diapers, potty training and terrible twos.  There is a lot of give (you) and take (them) and not much reward.  It truly is a thankless job.  And now that we have a teenager in the house, it is even harder.  You can see the young child in them struggling to override those awful hormones, but hormones win 90% of the time!  At the end of the day, it is still a great job.

For those mothers out there who deal with all of these things and then they raise a child with an illness, well you are saints.  So here is a little thank you from me to you (not all encompassing since I know I will miss a few!).

Thank you for:

taking us to all those doctor appointments
not letting us dwell on our illness
letting us live our lives
not keeping us bubbled up
feeding, clothing, bathing etc us when we were sick
telling us it would be ok
visiting us in the hospital
holding our hands when we got bad news (and good news!)
raising awareness and money for us
fighting for us in schools for what we needed to succeed
watching us grow into the people we are today because of you
helping us figure ourselves out
not letting us give up
being the best support system we could ask for
hugs
kisses
love
kindness
the kick in the ass we needed when we rebelled against the illness
knowing the illness didn't define us and letting us figure out what did
watching as our dreams came true
watching as our dreams crashed down (and holding our hands)
lifting us up
bringing us back to reality
nagging us to do our meds
nagging us to eat
nagging us to play outside
nagging us to be responsible
and well, just EVERYTHING


Please post any thank yous in the comments.

And thank you MOMS!!! (and single dads who have to do both!!!)

One day I will not be the mom

There is a reason I am moving and a reason why I hate where I am now. Hopefully this person doesn't read it but who knows and oh well.

I am moving to get away from being the parent in the mother/daughter dynamic. Most of you know that I live with my mom and moved in here in June to help pay the bills since she lost her job. Well she refuses to get a "real" job stating that waitressing is plenty, yet we can't pay the bills still.

I have resigned from my post as helper. I'm done. This is the MAIN reason for my move.

I can't rely on her to support me when I can't work so I will go somewhere else where I don't have to see her lose the house. As much as I don't want to see her out on her ass, I am sick of watching her spend her money on alcohol and shit she doesn't need instead of paying the mortgage or the electric bill.

Any questions, feel free to ask.

Been some time

I just realized that it has been a while since I blogged. Ok not really THAT long but for me it is haha!

Nothing to really report. My mom had her back surgery today to scrape the disks that are rubbing on her nerves so she can be pain free again. This is the third one in 14 years so she is "used" to them. Everything went well and she will be home tomorrow!

I am still very junky and wearing my O2 pretty much when I am home since my HR is so high. Doesn't seem to be going down too much though just high 90s which is still better than 110+.

I go next Wednesday the 1st for my 3rd study visit and I will receive the medication or the placebo. I am REALLY hoping for the medication since if I don't get it I will be in the hospital soon. I am so SOB its ridiculous!!!! See what a month without any strong abx does to me LOL!!!

I got to meet Bill on Sunday! He was driving down to meet up with Courtney on Monday for a day in NYC so I drove out to meet up with them. Court couldn't make it that night but Bill and I still had fun. He is an awesome guy, super sweet and a cutie! We got something to eat and then walked on the beach since it was right there. It was great exercise! LOL.

That's about all I have to offer.

New blog colors and some other stuff

I wanted to add my own blog background since I have seen some really fun ones but I have no clue where to add the code.  So I opted to change the colors up.  I think the black might be too much so if it is let me know.  I like how my header pops out though...and it makes it look like the title is cut out and the black background is coming through.  I find that awesome looking.  But you are my readers so let me know how it looks to you all!!!!

On to other news.  I was up half the night suffocating!!  Dam that TOBI!  But by 9 am I was able to fall asleep and sleep well until 11 am.  So I am going to try again tonight and tomorrow night and see how it goes.  If I still wake up all night then I will call my DR on Monday.  I was fine today which is different than most times so I am hoping I just have to deal with the tight-man-sitting-on-my-chest feeling a few nights.  That I can deal with since I coughed up some GOOD stuff this morning :)  And today I am also having some pain which I am attributing to the TOBI.  It feels kinda like glass in my lungs in varied spots.  And it isn't constant and there is no rhyme or reason.  I  have no clue what it is and it is tolerable so no need to call anyone IMO.  

Hmm what else.  Oh I hung out with my mom all day today.  Well I went over around 2.  We just watched some TV then went to dinner at Charlie Brown's.  So yummy!  I had steak and a baked potato and I love salad bars since they can satisfy the CF hunger!!!!  

Tis all for now!  I will update on how I do with TOBI tomorrow!!!!!

EDITED:

Well obviously I figured out how to change the background and I did!!!!  I love the colors woohoo!!!!!!!  Hope you all do too!

Mommy dearest

Today I found myself wanting to move back in with my mom.  I am a woman of indecisiveness.  This I am well aware of.  

My mom told me today that she had to quit her job.  She is going for her third back surgery next month and the doctor told her she can not drive a school bus any longer.  She quit Thursday but didn’t tell me until today.  She said she wasn’t sure what she was going to do.  She will obviously have to look for another job once she has the surgery, unemployment won’t help pay the bills forever.  She was told she will be able to collect so that will at least help for a few months.  She is also thinking of renting a room out.  That would gain some money to help pay the mortgage.  Her boyfriend is working steady now but he is in construction and we all know how iffy that field can be.  He may be bringing in money now but in 2 months he could be laid off for a few weeks and then they are screwed.   I told her if it came down to her losing the house I would move in and help out in a heart beat.  

I love where I am living and I love living with Eric.  Not that he and I are messing around or anything, he is seeing someone, but because we grew up together and its comforting having someone who you took baths with and grew up with in the same house as you.  But I always feel out of place and not like it is my house (which obviously it isn’t).  I was this way when I lived with my brother and his family.  It has nothing to do with how anyone acted or treated me, it was purely an illusion in my head.  But I have it here as well.  

A few weeks ago I was thinking how nice it would be to be at my mom’s and on my days off my mom and I could relax together and read in the family room curled up on the sofas – we are very similar when it comes to this stuff.  I dreamt of how it would be to cook fun dinners on the weekends and have people eat them besides me.  How fun it would be to live in a house with an addition that I designed.  

Despite the partying and the drinking she is my mom and I feel bad for her.  I hate that she can’t work.  She has been at her job for 16 years and has had 3 back operations in the last 14.  All because of her job (she hurt her back when she was 18 but the bus driving has reeked havoc on it since).  I am torn.  I don’t want to move again and she doesn’t want me to have to move again.  My vain reasons for not wanting to move in with her are all pushed aside because she may need my help.  I told her I wouldn’t move in if they smoked in the house and she has already made sure it is contained in the back room and if I were to move in, that would be outlawed as well.  

But do I really want to move again?  It would not be anytime soon!  Maybe by the summer which still gives me some months here.  I don’t know.  But I do know that I would be ready to move if she needed me.  And I am sure that once I made that decision and moved in I could change my mind in a few months and be out looking again!

Leaving for Disney

Well not really until 3:30am Thursday morning but I know I will have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow night so I thought I would update now :)

Maggie is all taken care of. My mom is going to pick her up Thursday morning after work at 9:30am and keep her until Friday afternoon. Then she will drop her off at the kennel where she is gonna stay until Monday morning. I called today and it is all set up. I just have to pack a bag for Maggie. Then my mom will keep her again until Thursday afternoon when I come home. Or she might drop her off on her way back to work Thursday around 2:00 pm. I am glad that is all settled.

I am pretty much packed up. Tomorrow I am getting 7 of my meds delievered from CF Services Pharmacy and I have 3 I have to pick up from Rite Aid. So that will keep me busy. All I have left to pack is my meds and tolietries.

Tonight of course I am trying to upload the new Staind CD to my iPod but my fucking computer is being a bastard! It won't even read the dam thing and Microsoft support keeps trying to tell me there is NOTHING wrong with my computer! Oh really? Then why the fuck can't I upload CDs when a few months ago I could?!?! Dumbasses!!!!

I am super tired tonight but I am trying to stay up a little bit so I am tired tomorrow and will fall asleep by 10pm :)

So flipping frustrated!

WTF am I to do?

I am going on vacation in 2 weeks... to Disney world with a few of my friends. We have had this planned since December. My mom has known about it since then. She is ALWAYS the one that watches my dog for me when I go away or get hospitalized. So today for some reason I mentioned it and she told me she doesn't want to watch her! WTF? So I asked "should I just leave her home alone for a week?" and got no response.

She never had any issues watching her until her fucking boyfriend started bitching about her. She just turned 14 on Thursday. She is blind as a bat and she doesn't always make it to the door when she has to pee. But hello she is 14 years old!!!!!

She still wants me to put her down. Well fuck you! I would rather put YOU down you bitch. Can you tell I am beyond pissed? Maggie is the happiest dog I know. She is not lethargic, or sick, or anything except blind. That is no reason to put her down. If she had cancer or something like that then yeah I would, but she isn't suffering so fuck off. She is my child, my life. How would my mom feel if someone told her to put ME down? She wouldn't like it now would she?

UGH I am so angry I wanna scream!!!!!! NOW you all see why I had no desire to live there. I also commented that she got what she wanted and I'm not moving in with Maggie anymore to which she replied "well what does Eric think about Maggie moving in?" All snotty of course. I told her the truth, that he doesn't care, he likes her. So there eat that mom.

I need to drink tonight. If I turn into an alcoholic you will all know why. That woman does it to me!