Another painful blog for my readers. I swear I will be out of this funk this week. I will make sure of it!!!!!
I did have a fabulous weekend so that can make you all smile.
This week there were 5 new babies born to 4 of my friends. Yes one set of twins. FIVE KIDS IN ONE WEEK! And all of the parents are friends of mine (well at least one of the parents is anyway). And no my brother and sister in law are not among them though I will have a niece or nephew by September 14th if they don’t wanna come out on their own.
So for obvious reasons it kinda depressed me. I love babies and I am so stoked for all of these people. But it also reiterates that I can not have any of my own. It depresses me when I look at all the pictures of the newborns and see the happiness and glow on the new mommy and daddy’s faces. I want that. Of course that leads into my real reason for this post…
Hysterectomy. Yeah the big H word.
I have thought about this and with my family’s history of cancer (granted only colon and one uterine) I have been considering having mine removed. Added with the cervical pre-cancer cells found and I am all about avoiding Chemo and the like in any way I can.
However, this is a permanent decision. One that once done, can NOT be reversed. Sure there are plenty of positives to this…no more periods, no chance of getting pregnant on a one night stand, reduced risk of cancer. But what about the negatives.
My BFF asked me Saturday if I got it done, would I regret it. I told her I would regret it until the day I die, but there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t have kids and getting rid of it makes sure of it. It is like a security thing. This way I won’t go do anything stupid like get myself knocked up. Not that I would but hell in the heat of a passionate freak out I might get that brilliant idea. I tend to act then think so it isn’t entirely out of the question.
This is obviously something I need to think about for much longer than a few days and I plan on it. I won’t be jumping into serious surgery anytime soon. I will discuss it with both the genetic cancer people and my CF dr.
I know that I can’t/shouldn’t have kids but a part of me secretly hopes that someday I will anyway. That maybe I will get that chance to feel the baby move inside me and to look at their face after they are born and feel unconditional love for another human being. To play with their feet and hands, kiss them, change them, feed them. Its not the same when it is someone else’s child. No one can ever mimic the feeling of holding your own baby, your own flesh and blood. When I die, this will always be my biggest regret. So taking out the one piece that can give me babies scares me. It is admitting that I will
I’m asking all of you to avoid the whole adoption and surrogate mother talk. It has