Monday, September 7, 2009

Just another Manic Monday...

Another painful blog for my readers. I swear I will be out of this funk this week. I will make sure of it!!!!!

I did have a fabulous weekend so that can make you all smile.

This week there were 5 new babies born to 4 of my friends. Yes one set of twins. FIVE KIDS IN ONE WEEK! And all of the parents are friends of mine (well at least one of the parents is anyway). And no my brother and sister in law are not among them though I will have a niece or nephew by September 14th if they don’t wanna come out on their own.

So for obvious reasons it kinda depressed me. I love babies and I am so stoked for all of these people. But it also reiterates that I can not have any of my own. It depresses me when I look at all the pictures of the newborns and see the happiness and glow on the new mommy and daddy’s faces. I want that. Of course that leads into my real reason for this post…

Hysterectomy. Yeah the big H word.

I have thought about this and with my family’s history of cancer (granted only colon and one uterine) I have been considering having mine removed. Added with the cervical pre-cancer cells found and I am all about avoiding Chemo and the like in any way I can.

However, this is a permanent decision. One that once done, can NOT be reversed. Sure there are plenty of positives to this…no more periods, no chance of getting pregnant on a one night stand, reduced risk of cancer. But what about the negatives. Never having a baby on my own. That’s really it. I’ll never experience pregnancy if my uterus is gone. Doesn’t matter if I will never have a baby anyway. The chance is always there. With the prime piece missing from my body I’ll never have a shot at that, no matter what.

My BFF asked me Saturday if I got it done, would I regret it. I told her I would regret it until the day I die, but there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t have kids and getting rid of it makes sure of it. It is like a security thing. This way I won’t go do anything stupid like get myself knocked up. Not that I would but hell in the heat of a passionate freak out I might get that brilliant idea. I tend to act then think so it isn’t entirely out of the question.

This is obviously something I need to think about for much longer than a few days and I plan on it. I won’t be jumping into serious surgery anytime soon. I will discuss it with both the genetic cancer people and my CF dr.

I know that I can’t/shouldn’t have kids but a part of me secretly hopes that someday I will anyway. That maybe I will get that chance to feel the baby move inside me and to look at their face after they are born and feel unconditional love for another human being. To play with their feet and hands, kiss them, change them, feed them. Its not the same when it is someone else’s child. No one can ever mimic the feeling of holding your own baby, your own flesh and blood. When I die, this will always be my biggest regret. So taking out the one piece that can give me babies scares me. It is admitting that I will never have one of my own.

I’m asking all of you to avoid the whole adoption and surrogate mother talk. It has never and will never be an option for me. The only parenting option I will go for besides my own baby inside me, is being a step-mom.


  1. I'm sorry Amy and know that there isn't anything that I can say to make it feel better. I really hate when people try to say the "positives" or other crap when I am having these moments (which happen a lot)! So, while I know that our situations are different, I definitely feel you on this one. I hate it!



  2. I'm holding on to mine... and only doing the pill. Mostly out of a hope that with more and more drug advances then maybe my health will get good enough that I can have a kid, or more likely, since that would be a huge recovery, that they make it safer to have a kid post TX. Because once I'm healthier... I know I will really, really want a baby.

  3. take this fr what it's worth, but at a recent transplant "Q & A" session with one of the surgeons, a young woman obviously with CF asked about having kids post-tx. she was told "i wouldn't say yes and i wouldn't say no -- we have patients who have successfully carried a baby to term with little to no negative effects so far, but it's risky. it will be up to you and your individual doctor."

    the answer surprised me, since i had never considered carrying kids post-tx. i still don't think i will do it, personally (never say never?), but he definitely made it sound as if it were a possible option, and maybe something that would become more common in the future.

  4. Amy,

    That is one tough decision you have. Honestly, I would shelve it for at least a year. It's somewhat of a new discussion and I think waiting a year won't hurt you. The reason I want you to wait is because I have hope that with your exercise regimen and new drugs in the pipeline, you may in fact increase your baseline. It has happened for another cystic that was being eval'd at Stanford. She was my inspiration to start exercising. Sometimes low PFTs can be reversed. Give it some time to see if you might be one of those cases. I am holding out the biggest hope of hopes that this is true for you girl. I love ya! And I want you to be happy and realize ALL your dreams. I mean look at you. You made it through school and have a wonderful career. And you've kicked CF in the butt more than once. I am still hopeful you can do this. Keep doing what you're doing. It just might work.

  5. Amy. sorry you have to face this dilemma. :( Given your strong feelings about wanting to bear a child, I'd suggest that you really weigh the risks and benefits of that decision carefully. Is it really necessary that you decide now? ~J

  6. Oh Ames. What can I say my heart brakes for you. Why can the shitbags out there have babies willy-nilly ??? Grrrrr! Take your time and protect yourself there are worse cooties out there than getting preggers!

  7. brakes? did I write brakes? Ugh I meant "breaks" I need some sleep. So looking forward to your visit!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. Ugh. I was recently faced with the same thought, b/c of a uterine fibroid I have. I still have to hear from the main GYN that I won't need to get the big H, or that I will. I have never really thought about that topic before now, and boy does it suck to think about! I hear ya.

    I liked the idea that not having kids was my choice, and getting the H done takes your choices away, even if you never decided to do it anyways. I don't like the possibility either!

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! Big hugs to you Amy.

  9. Hey Amy,

    I mentioned this to cowbella recently on the forum, but I really recommend the book Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom. It is a great reference to have around in general but it is EXCELLENT to consult if you are facing a major female medical decision. I am biased from reading the book but Dr. Northrup really is against hysterectomies because of all of the benefits we get from our bodies having our own hormones. I know you have good reasons to think about this and I don't mean to belittle them. But this is a great book for getting information from an expert to stir into the mix.

    Good luck - hope you are out of your funk soon. :)


  10. I some what know how you feel. I am a carrier and as you already know Josh has CF. I have gone over in my head for months now what we should do. We adopted Dana because she needed a home but I have always planned on having LOTS of babies. That is no longer in the cards though.

    We disided to plan on doing IVF. Do you know what that is? We will be able to do gene selection so It's the best answer for us. I know of a lot of people who have done it where the mother is the one who has CF also.

    I can tell you want to be on the safe side and I will support you no matter what you deside. Just make sure you look at all your options.

    Also, My bolg is going private and I would love for you to still follow it. If you want to send me your email at


  11. I want to give you a really big hug Amy. This subject is on my mind so much.. I know I will never be able to have a baby (am post transplant now but as you know my lungs are not good enough) and it still breaks my heart thinking about that.
    I too can get depressed over it. Sometimes I just cry when I see a young baby somewhere in the street. One of my best friends is pregnant now, I'm sooo happy for her. But on the other hand...

    I think I would hold on to my uterus.. but yeah, that's just me. Like you said, I think it would be my biggest regret when I die

  12. Hi Amy, It must be the week of funks, LOL! AND it sucks...Here is my opinion, take it for what it is worth...don't do the hysterectomy unless it is medically necessary, as another post stated...hormones, your body will not be the same without them. If you want kids that badly hold out for possible findings in medical miracle-land. AND be a responsible adult think before you act and take your birth control until then. You are absolutely is not the same holding a child that is not your own and I agree completely with you on not wanting to adopt or go the surrogate route. On the flip side did you ever consider how that baby will feel growing up without a mommy?

    You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.. yup you think too too...I hate it, LOL! AND you seem to have great friends and family...So I say enjoy what you have been given F those men. You have not conquered anybody just given them what they want for FREE and hurt yourself in the process. If you give it to them they will take it, plain and simple. Have some self respect/self love and tell those cheap scum jack asses if they can not give you the respect you deserve you are NOT INTERESTED. Period, end of story. They can stick FB where the sun don't shine!!!!!!!!! FB is a glorified one night stand over and over emotions, no feelings, NO NOTHING. As far as giving the nice guys a chance you obviously were not attracted to them in the first place, quit beating yourself up over it. Don't ever settle for less than what you be number 1...and let the F'n a hole boys kiss your ass on the way out the door. They don't deserve it anyway. Have a great day!!! :)

  13. Don't ever say you can't.!! I have CF and I have the most wonderful 8 year old little boy...He is the reason I breathe everyday. God is GOOD...pray about it...

  14. No worries I'm not ripping my uterus out tonight haha. I'll be thinking about it for sometime before I come to any conclusions. :)