Ugh I am so bummed out today. I had this amazing dream last night…extremely weird but amazing. I was pregnant, only about 4-5 months and I had a tiny little belly. The weird thing was when the baby would kick I could see the whole foot push out of my tummy (still inside I would only see the imprint through my skin) and it would bend me over cause it was uncomfortable. But I could see that little tiny foot like it was my own. I was very happy to be pregnant in my dream even if I was dreading telling my CF dr about it. It was so real. I remember rubbing my belly and talking to it. Being SO sure that it was a little boy because of how strong he was kicking.
Then today I came into work and my cubby buddy and I were talking about her pregnancy and she was showing me this magazine that has the baby at different months and what they look like. She starts her 6th month next week (I think) so she showed me what little Baby M. will look like. It’s a baby!!!! And adorable!!!! You could see every little feature on its face and see the hands and feet and arms and all. It made my heart hurt....
I know I have accepted the fact that I will never have a baby of my own but I still want one. I still long to know what it’s like to feel your child growing inside of you, to feel the first kick, the first roll over, the first everything. I want to experience all those things. I wish I could know what its like to go through labor and look down on your child for the first time when the DR hands them over. I wish I would know what its like to watch as your child grows and rolls over for the first time, crawls for the first time, walks for the first time and talks for the first time. I can see these things with my friends’ children, but it is so much different when it is your own.
I have never spent so much time with someone pregnant as I do now. Sure I have had friends and family pregnant but I am with my cubby buddy 40+ hours a week. When she feels a kick or something she tells me. I adore when she does, since I won’t get to feel it myself, but it does make me hurt. It’s a reminder just what CF is taking from me. Yet another dream of mine down the drain and out the door. I am super excited for her and I love hearing about everything. I can’t wait until she is really showing and I can see it all (perhaps it will make me glad I’m not having kids LOL). I love that I can experience it second hand and I love that she and I are close enough that she will willing to share it all with me.
I don’t like dwelling on the negative but today I can’t help it. I have 3 pregnant people in my life right now, and one who just had a miscarriage. It’s all around me, everyday. What I long for and what I desire most, and how I will never have it.
Please don’t tell me that I might someday. No, it will never happen. I am too sick to have a baby now and after transplant it is frowned upon and I wouldn’t risk my life and the life of my baby to achieve a dream like that. Today is just one of those days where I can’t put the pain behind me and forget about it. Today it is staring at me full force and I am trying to stare back and win the battle. So far, pain is winning. My heart hurts and my head is yelling at me.