Friday, June 12, 2009

Having a bad "baby" day

Ugh I am so bummed out today. I had this amazing dream last night…extremely weird but amazing. I was pregnant, only about 4-5 months and I had a tiny little belly. The weird thing was when the baby would kick I could see the whole foot push out of my tummy (still inside I would only see the imprint through my skin) and it would bend me over cause it was uncomfortable. But I could see that little tiny foot like it was my own. I was very happy to be pregnant in my dream even if I was dreading telling my CF dr about it. It was so real. I remember rubbing my belly and talking to it. Being SO sure that it was a little boy because of how strong he was kicking.

Then today I came into work and my cubby buddy and I were talking about her pregnancy and she was showing me this magazine that has the baby at different months and what they look like. She starts her 6th month next week (I think) so she showed me what little Baby M. will look like. It’s a baby!!!! And adorable!!!! You could see every little feature on its face and see the hands and feet and arms and all. It made my heart hurt....

I know I have accepted the fact that I will never have a baby of my own but I still want one. I still long to know what it’s like to feel your child growing inside of you, to feel the first kick, the first roll over, the first everything. I want to experience all those things. I wish I could know what its like to go through labor and look down on your child for the first time when the DR hands them over. I wish I would know what its like to watch as your child grows and rolls over for the first time, crawls for the first time, walks for the first time and talks for the first time. I can see these things with my friends’ children, but it is so much different when it is your own.

I have never spent so much time with someone pregnant as I do now. Sure I have had friends and family pregnant but I am with my cubby buddy 40+ hours a week. When she feels a kick or something she tells me. I adore when she does, since I won’t get to feel it myself, but it does make me hurt. It’s a reminder just what CF is taking from me. Yet another dream of mine down the drain and out the door. I am super excited for her and I love hearing about everything. I can’t wait until she is really showing and I can see it all (perhaps it will make me glad I’m not having kids LOL). I love that I can experience it second hand and I love that she and I are close enough that she will willing to share it all with me.

I don’t like dwelling on the negative but today I can’t help it. I have 3 pregnant people in my life right now, and one who just had a miscarriage. It’s all around me, everyday. What I long for and what I desire most, and how I will never have it.

Please don’t tell me that I might someday. No, it will never happen. I am too sick to have a baby now and after transplant it is frowned upon and I wouldn’t risk my life and the life of my baby to achieve a dream like that. Today is just one of those days where I can’t put the pain behind me and forget about it. Today it is staring at me full force and I am trying to stare back and win the battle. So far, pain is winning. My heart hurts and my head is yelling at me.


  1. I know exactly how your feeling. I have tons of dreams where i'm pregnant and sometimes i feel like just doing it but i think of how wrong that would be for me and the baby. I wish one day i can do the surrogate thing. my mom said she would carry the baby for me. I dont know what the future holds for us but i know that we are lucky to live in a time where medical research and science is so advanced. who knows if cf might be cured tomorrow and we can have kids. i mean right now i'm just wishing on finding a man. lol. hope you cheer up soon. i'm kind of in a lonely place right now. i went to hawaii for ten days and i came back sad cause i didnt have anyone to share the memories with. oh well, we all have our gloomy days. cf sucks. xoxo.

  2. I'm sorry Amy :( I hate it when dreams like that are so real. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughs your way. I hope know you're aren't alone. Unfortunately we all have these gloomy and doomy CF days. Ugh. Hugs to you.

  3. I think its one of the most heartbreaking sides of CF, the fact that in this society all people aim to do is get a job, get married, start a family. Its hard not to feel 'what's the point' when you realise that such a large chunk has been taken away from you before you got to make the choice yourself. Xx

  4. *hugs* I wish I had something that I could say to make you feel better, but I don't. So please just know that you are in my thoughts...

  5. Wow Amy. I'm so sorry. My heart is aching for you. It really is.

  6. I know how you feel. I think about this issue all the time! I want kids so bad...but like you mentioned, it's too risky post-transplant. And I want that feeling too....a baby of your own, inside your own body. I hope there is some medical advancement that would allow me to have kids of my own....but I guess I will resort to adoption or something if not, who knows. I know I can't make these feelings go away for you...but I do hope it will get better. Praying for you!

  7. Sorry Amy...I can relate (as much as a non-cystic can). I know that babies are probably not in my future and some days I am fine, but some days are really hard. It sucks. As if CF doesn't take enough away. Ughhh...

    Hang in there....hugs!


  8. I'm right there with you, Amy. Even had a dream that I was pregnant not too long ago. They're the most painful when they're the most real.

  9. I havent' had a baby but i was told the same thing: no pregnancy after tx:(

    My heart hurts a little too, b/c we CAN have babies but we're not supposed to:(

  10. Hello! I just started a blog yesterday and hope to be as dilligent and open as you are in yours. I am also 28!! I hope you check out my blog though there are only a few posts and only one of real content so far!