Sunday, November 29, 2009

One day I will not be the mom

There is a reason I am moving and a reason why I hate where I am now. Hopefully this person doesn't read it but who knows and oh well.

I am moving to get away from being the parent in the mother/daughter dynamic. Most of you know that I live with my mom and moved in here in June to help pay the bills since she lost her job. Well she refuses to get a "real" job stating that waitressing is plenty, yet we can't pay the bills still.

I have resigned from my post as helper. I'm done. This is the MAIN reason for my move.

I can't rely on her to support me when I can't work so I will go somewhere else where I don't have to see her lose the house. As much as I don't want to see her out on her ass, I am sick of watching her spend her money on alcohol and shit she doesn't need instead of paying the mortgage or the electric bill.

Any questions, feel free to ask.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


The day when we give thanks for everything that has happened in our lives in the past year. The day where we remember those who are no longer around to enjoy the day with. The day we get it pig out like animals and not worry what people think.

So in honor of this day of thanks I decided to write up what I am truly thankful for. I encourage you all to do the same and think about what you have this year that you are thankful for.


I am truly blessed to have such a great support family. They are always there when I need them. We have our difference now and then, but that is normal. I don’t know what I would do without them! They really showed how much they care with the raffle and oxygen concentrator. Everyone has called to help sell the tickets and to help find me the best deal on the one I want. How amazing is that?!?! I love them all!


I don’t get to see my friends all that often but they are always there for me. When I’m sick they visit me in the hospital. When I am looking to go out, they are ready to party. I can call and bitch about my day, or listen to them bitch. They are amazing!!!

And I can’t forget my online friends either. They are great too! I get so much support from them and just knowing that they know how I am feeling is a huge relief! We lost so many CFers this year, but I will never forget any of them. Sometimes it’s hard to be friends with people who may loose their battle before you, but it is worth the “maybes” to have friends like them.


I might hate it at times but I am very thankful to have one. It allows me to have health insurance (as shitty as it might be at times) and pay for all my meds that help keep me alive. It allows me to travel and keep my Jeep!


Despite having CF I consider myself fairly healthy. It could always be worse and I am thankful to be alive and “well”!


Without them I would not be here…see above.


I’m sticking with the “my” on this haha. I am thankful for all those serving our country and all those who have lost their lives doing so. We would not be able to celebrate today without their sacrifices. Thank you all!


I’m a dweeb and I love my Maggers with all my heart. I may want to kill her some days, but when she curls up next to me I forget all the bad!!!! She is my life!!!


Without them I would have lost many more friends this year. Thank you to the families of those donors who made the choice to save some someone else’s life. You are heroes.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Courtney Got her Wings

Breathe easy my friend.

I am sad that you are gone but comforted that you are at peace and no longer suffering.

I will always remember you!

Monday, November 23, 2009

My wonderfully fabulous weekend!!!!!

Well I promised you all an update and you shall get one.

The weekend was awesome! I went back up to Boston to celebrate Shawn’s one year post transplant party!! The party was a great time! Kevin and Bill came up as well. So there were four of us CFers hanging around. And of course we forgot to get a group shot! Ahh!! Next time, because we know this won’t be the last party we have!!!! Notice I said we lol!!!

So my surprise happy news is…I am dating Tina’s brother!! We’ve been talking for about a month and we met last time I was up there. Things just went from there and we made it official this past weekend. He is a great guy and I am looking forward to getting to know him better and eventually moving up there and seeing where things lead. I’m not scared, he is Shawn’s best friend so he has seen what CF can do, and I’m happy as I can ever remember being. Full steam ahead!

Before anyone says anything, and Tina can confirm, I made the choice to move BEFORE he and I started talking more. He is just an added bonus and even more of a reason to haul my ass up to Boston. Although, I remember back in June when we had the meet up at Patti’s house, Tina mentioned that I should meet her brother. I just laughed it off. Guess she knew what she was talking about! It’s also quite possible she is more excited about the relationship than both of us haha!

In other bloggie news, our dear cyster Courtney is still holding strong. She is getting to say goodbye to her family and friends on her terms. I am looking into heading down for the funeral that is inevitable (God I hate thinking that way!!!), but it’s looking like I won’t be able to make it. I will be there in spirit though! I hope her journey is as peaceful as can be to the next world.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


I have tears streaming down my face as I ask all of you to pray for peace for Courtney. She has decided to stop all her treatments and return to her Lord. Please visit her blog (on the right side under Courtney sorry can't link it from my phone).

We love her so much and I hate hearing about her in so much pain. I hope she flies free as a bird and will meet us all on top of the Roc next year...

Love you Cysta!!!!!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Heading North!!!

Tomorrow morning I am heading up to Swampscott again to see my good friends Shawna and Tina!!!! It's Shawn's one year post transplant party yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to stop at CHOP in the am first to pee in a cup. Last time I had it done (3 weeks ago) they found blood in my urine and I was not menstruating. So they are going to check again to make sure I am ok. After that it is smooth sailing to my favorite second home!!!!!

Tomorrow night I am having dinner with Shawn, Tina and her brother Peter...I will let you all know how that is and might even have some very very happy news to go along with it =D

So until Sunday night when I write again!!!!!!!!

Take care and have a fabulous weekend!!!!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

A morning pondering for you all...

Last night I had dinner at my brother’s house. It was my mom’s birthday and my SIL was working so we decided to hang with my brother and help him with my new niece. He is a little wary about a 2 month old and being alone with her haha!! It will take a little time to get used to but no worries. We had pizza and made cupcakes. It was tons of fun!

Well as we were all eating I got out my enzymes and was proceeding to take them. James asked me if they were my pills. I obviously responded yes, to which he continued to watch me take them all.

So this got me to wondering…do children that grow up around chronically ill people, have a higher tolerance for that type of thing? James has seen me with my O2 on, watched me do my nebs and vest and sees me take my pills. He visits me in the hospital when I am in. It doesn’t bother him anymore. He used to be scared of my nebulizer and the loud noise it made. But now it fascinates him. So, do seeing this on a constant basis help him in “awkward situations”?

We all know what those are. The elderly lady in the grocery store with O2 hobbling along. The child points at her and asks, very loudly, what’s hanging from her face. (ok not a great example but you get my point, I hope)

Obviously it wouldn’t prepare him for such things as a person with no legs, or severe physical deformities, but could it give him a better understanding that everyone is different in this world?

It’s something to ponder…and ponder I just might…

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My new CF Tattoo

I finally got my CF tattoo!!! I love love love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Never Over rated

I’m done with the heart ache, pain and tears

I want a man to quiet all my fears

Someone that is smart, funny and kind

Who can always seem to read my mind

I vow to be open, honest and true

Tell me does this sound good to you

Games are old, tired and outdated

Alas, our love will not be over rated

Together we can laugh, tease and cry

I promise to never say goodbye

Sunday, November 8, 2009

My first "independent" move

My previous experiences with moving and why some people may think I am not going to actually move to Boston.

In 2002 I decided I needed a change in my life. I had a good job, was fresh out of college, single and living with my mom and brother. I wanted to move somewhere else. And not just out of my home, out of state. My choice was Arizona. The company I was with had an office in Scottsdale and I thought that it would be great to move there and keep my job. I talked about it with my friend L (who lived in GA – we had met when I lived down there in 7th grade and we remained friends ever since) who was willing to move too. We talked and talked and talked and nothing happened. I don’t remember why but it never did.

Fast forward about 9-10 months and I am living in my own apartment. I am 22 and super happy. Getting trashed every weekend with another friend L (different one but I have known her since 7th grade too lol). During our run of the town I make a decision to call an ex. He and I end up back together and talk about getting married. We even get so far as to figure out what to do about my apartment, where we want to live until we can buy a house and to pick a date (April 24, 2004). A few weeks later he ends things with me. I am crushed. Crush doesn’t begin to explain how I felt. Devastated, destroyed, shattered, heartbroken, worthless…you get my point.

It was after he did this that I again thought about Arizona. And seriously thought about Arizona. I looked up apartments, moving companies, schools (I was considering finishing my BS since I only had my AA). I talked to my boss about transferring with the company and things were put in motion. I had to quit my job in PA and be re-hired in AZ. But I was fine with that. I also looked into some other jobs just in case. I found an apartment, I talked with the leasing agent, and she sent me all the paperwork. Things were moving forward. I told my family, I told my friends and I began packing. In less than two months I had went from desolate and heartbroken to a new woman with a plan.

Unfortunately that plan was devised amidst all that heartache. And a plan sculpted with pain will end in almost the same manner.

I drove to my new life. Stopping for a few days in Durango to visit my two aunts and their husbands. I relished in the independence I felt and the freedom to do what I pleased. I enjoyed the landscape and seeing parts of the country I had never seen before. Maggie and I drove along, stopping every now and then to stretch our legs and of course at night to sleep. However, I was homesick. I was scared of what was waiting for me when I got there and reluctant to truly let go of what I had left behind. My heart was not entirely into the move. But I thought that once I got out there I would be fine. I knew no one but I would make friends.

When things aren’t meant to be, the world has a way of showing you. It is up to you though to listen to what is said. My first clue was the speeding ticket I got in Bumblebee AZ. I remember the name because I thought it was a silly name for a town. I was following traffic but the out-of-towner got pulled over. Check one. My second sign was driving up to Phoenix. I was expecting to be awed by high rises and buildings. Instead, it was low to mid rise buildings and mountains in the background. I adored Philly’s skyline and was disappointed it wasn’t there. Check two. My third, and should have been loudest, sign was the complex’s unwillingness to accept cash. I had brought all cash with me since I had closed my checking account (yes looking back I know carrying around a large amount of cash was stupid…I never said this was a smart trip) and only had cash on me. They insisted I go to the nearest bank, open an account and get a cashier’s check. They also said I could postpone the signing until the next day, but I was anxious to not sleep in a hotel again. So away I went. Check three. The fourth, and maybe this is tied with third for loudest, was them not having my key after signing my life away. I was dropped off at my “door” while maintenance went to find the correct one. It took over an hour for them to figure out where it had been. I eventually got into my apartment and “settled” in. Check four.

I unloaded my car, with the help of my neighbor and her boyfriend who were super nice. The apartment was great. I had plans for purchasing new furniture since I left my sofas in PA (way too expensive to have moved). I couldn’t wait to make the place mine. First thing I had to do was get food. Luckily there was a shopping center up the street. I remember standing in the cereal aisle looking at all the food and thinking how the brands were so different than in Philly. I started crying. I wanted to go home. And I didn’t mean my apartment, I meant PA. I couldn’t stay there, I couldn’t make AZ my home. I had been there for less than 12 hours and I was desperate to get back. I knew I had left for all of the wrong reasons. I grabbed some food that I knew would hold me over for a few days and went back to think on my new “plan”.

Phone calls were made to everyone, in hopes that someone would talk some sense into me and I would stay. That didn’t happen. The only person who told me to stay and give it a try was my mom. My friends we ecstatic that I wanted to come home. To this day I remember sitting on the floor in my dining room, knees to my chest, sobbing to my dad that I wanted to come home. He told me to do it if I wanted to. I said I didn’t want to look like a failure to him. He told me that he was proud of me for trying and that if I wanted to come back, he supported it. That did it. I’ve always been daddy’s little girl.

Needless to say I came back home. I was able to get my old job back and I moved in with my grandparents. I was around for the birth of my nephew James (I had found out Tracy was pregnant a few days before I left).

Looking back I realize that I left to get away from my life that was here. I didn’t leave to go on to bigger and better things. I had never visited AZ before; I had barely even seen pictures of it. I knew no one and expected to make friends. I don’t make friends easily. I never have and never will. I’m shy and quiet (yes I swear I really am until you get to know me) and avoid people. I don’t know how I thought I would make it. I wasn’t secured a job and I was NOT happy. I learned a lot from that adventure of mine. I grew up and realized that I could do anything I wanted if I put my mind to it. I also learned that every action has consequences. I was still paying off the debt from that trip three years later (apartment complex was not too happy I stayed a day).

So you can see why people are skeptical about my choice to move to Boston. But things are entirely different. I have friends up there, I am in a better place in my life emotionally, I’m not moving for some guy, I’m moving for ME. When I first started thinking about AZ in 2002 I thought that I could travel and live in different areas of the country. I thought about North Carolina, Boston and NYC. I even contemplated Florida so I could ride all the time (horses). But I have stayed in PA since coming back in 2003. Ironically, this Thursday the 12th will be exactly 6 years since I came back. So much has happened since then and I am ready to begin the next chapter of my life.

This is the view from my 3rd floor apartment in Scottsdale.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Breathe Easy Lauren

Lauren lost her battle with CF on Tuesday afternoon.

Please keep her family and friends in your thoughts as they begin the journey without her.

You were an awesome woman Lauren and I hope you are at peace now.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Prayers needed

Please pray for two good friends of mine, Lauren and Ginger.

Both are vented, both have CF.

Both have families and friends that love them very very much and want them around much much longer.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Talked with Beth

I had a great conversation with Beth Sufian today. She was able to answer a lot of my questions about SSDI.

I now know what I need to get in order before I apply, and also that I should wait until I move to start the paperwork. That way I don’t have to worry about things getting lost when transferred. Works fine for me. I have moved my moving date up to February now. She also told me I am making a smart decision moving to MA. They are the only state to guarantee health insurance coverage for their residents. You can not be denied for a pre-existing condition. So I can COBRA my benefits until my residency takes affect and then search for my own policy which may be more, or may be less, but will hopefully be better!

I am so excited to do this now! Moving, SSDI, a fresh new start. Makes me happy and excited and scared!!!!

Wish I could go tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Where my peeps at? errr From?!?!!?

Ok so here is the tally of where you are hail from!



New York

North Dakota








Washington State





North Carolina

New Mexico








Czech Republic




British Columbia


Uranus (TOM!!!!! Who is really from NY lol)

Thanks guys it’s great to see where everyone is located and reading my blog. Makes me feel awesome!