Friday, September 4, 2009

Emotional roller coaster continues...

**Warning…will be a bumpy ride, with some deep holes here and there so buckle up**
I am still on an emotional roller coaster from last Friday. It just seems to go higher and higher. At some point I will reach the peak and come flying down, my hands waving wildly, screaming at the top of my lungs.
Saturday did not end up being all that much better. I had a set back exercising. I was much more SOB and my tolerance went way down. I even had my O2 set at 3L hoping it would help me keep my O2 up and HR down. No such luck. I still dipped into the high 80s. While not all that horrible it just seemed to add to my “issues” for the weekend. Sunday I was just blah and didn’t feel up to doing much. I did get to see my FB (fuck buddy LOL) Sunday night, but I was out until 2am so I was EXHAUSTED Monday morning. But that at least brought my spirits up a bit. Then Monday shit hit the fan with he and I and we decided to just be friends for now (long story not getting into it on here). I’m due for my period which adds to the emotional-ness and this news, for some reason, threw me for a loop. I was upset, but I’m good now haha. I’ve also been stressed at work trying to get this project out which went out yesterday thankfully.
Tuesday I woke up in a better mood only to have it thrown back down after talking to the genetic counselor. She discussed the results of my Colonoscopy with me fully. Apparently they found a lot of little benign polyps which is good. Then the one large one was synonymous with Lynch Syndrome and was pre-cancerous. So that was fun news to get on Tuesday. YAY! Granted it was just PRE-cancer but it still makes the body shake. I pretty much shook for the rest of the day. They did get the whole thing thankfully, but now I know I need to go back once a year. We chatted and I told her I wanted to come back in to discuss some things and she said I could or if I wanted to do it over the phone that would be ok too. So I think I might just do that so I don’t have to pay $30 and drive to HUP. I just want to discuss the whole hysterectomy thing considering I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix a few years back, that were removed. Like I don’t have enough fucking issues with CF.
Being in this emotional state has made me do a lot of thinking, which is NEVER a good thing with me. I keep thinking about love, and finding love and how I am not open to it. I want love. I want the kind of love where you are best friends, soul mates, meant for each other. All that gushy sappy shit you see in the movies and read in books. But the thought of letting myself find that and open myself up to that is so fucking scary it keeps me closed. It’s so hard to let those happy feelings in when all you can think about is how it will end badly and you will get hurt. Yet you don’t know that for sure. You just assume it will because every other “relationship” has failed miserably.
Then I think about all my past relationships. All the ones that failed. I see a pattern. That pattern is that I chose guys that are in the same emotional state as me…not open to love. Which of course at the time is not obvious to me and when it does become obvious I just ignore it. You can ask any of my friends and they will tell you the same thing. I fall for guys that are not available, emotionally and physically. I fell for the cop, who had a baby’s momma at home. I fell for another guy who had a girlfriend. I fell for another one who had a wife. I fell for one who thought he wanted me but couldn’t figure it out. (Fall does not mean love, fall means feelings that given time to “fester” could develop into something resembling love). I fell for another that was getting divorced and didn’t want a relationship – just sex. In each of these cases I KNEW nothing could ever come from the “relationship”, yet I pursued and conquered. And in the end, I ended up hurt.
Flip the coin around and let’s look at the men that have tried to date me that were available. There have been a few, yet none of them succeeded. I was that girl, the one that the nice guys talked to and helped with their issues, and wanted to date, but the girl never gave them the time of day about dating. Yeah that was me. I was more than happy to seek their advice about the bad guy of the week yet I couldn’t see that they would have been much better. And if they did succeed in getting me a few dates, I ended it after a couple of weeks. Kim says I like a challenge. I think I am too scared to be happy.
Sunday night my FB (fuck buddy remember) and I were discussing relationships and I remarked how I used to be such a guy when it came to these dating things. I was always the one ending it and never the one that got hurt. But that was because I had been hurt severely but the one guy I thought I was going to marry. I was 21 years old. So for 7 years, almost 8 I have had this wall that has been built up around me. Some men have started to break through the cracks but no one has penetrated it deep enough for me to remove it.
Looking back even farther, before said relationship, I was the same way. I don’t know if I was just that way because I was young and inexperienced or because I was just made that way. Sometimes I think that I am just wired wrong in the love area. I want to be able to curl up next to my man and tell him everything, yet I don’t want to put myself out there to find that man. How can I be open to love when I can’t even tell someone private things about myself. I don’t talk, I don’t give, I don’t share. I just sit there soaking up what the other says, growing feelings and then running in the end. This does not make for a strong bond.
A part of me thinks it has nothing to do with CF. And another part knows it does. I just wish I could get to the bottom of it so that I could finally someday let myself feel the happiness that so many have in love.
I shall leave you with a link to my poem. I wrote this years ago, and ironically it won a poetry award a few years back. Sometimes the best things come from broken places, when your heart is shattered, pieces scattered all over.


  1. Great poem!! I'm glad you wrote this post, because I think it applies to so many other people, let alone CFers. (maybe not exact details, but the general gist of it does). I'll be praying for you as you continue on this emotional roller coaster!!!

  2. Hey Amy....just wanted to let you know I left you a blog award on my blog!!!