How do you determine which is you?
This is something I have been wondering all week as I slept 13+ hours a day. And even taking naps. Spending more time asleep during the week than awake can make one wonder WTF is going on.
While I am FINALLY feeling a bit better, more energy, less mucus etc, I still wonder why I slept so much. And if I was just being lazy, or if my body really did need it.
This feeling hits me quite a bit. And not just with sleep. With other things as well. Like exercising, taking the sheets off of E's loft bed and washing them, walking the complex etc. Sometimes I wonder if I use my CF and being tired or lacking in energy as an excuse. But that I use it deep down inside so I think I have no energy when really all these years of slowly not being able to do things has made me lazy. For example, I hate steps because they make me cough so I avoid them. Yet when forced to walk the steps (like last weeks clinic when the garage elevators didn't work and you didn't know till you parked on the top level) you can do it, albiet slowly and painfully.
I could walk the complex daily, but I don't. I could drive to the lake and walk parts of it, but I don't. I really could get back on a horse and ride, but I don't.
But WHY don't I?
Am I scared of the result? That I will realize I CAN do these things? Or that I will realize I really CAN'T do these things? Which is it?
The only way to find out is to actually do it. And this summer, my goal is to walk parts of the lake when its not 100 degrees out. Maybe I can start there and see where it leads me...
Amy - thank you for sharing this post. I've struggled with this in my 29 years of CF too. I've found that if my body really needs rest, I will sleep many hours without noticing. If I'm just lazy, I don't fall asleep, but I just lay there instead. I've been able to overcome my "laziness" over the last few years and I want to encourage you that once you decide to really do it, you CAN overcome it! Be blessed!
ReplyDeleteI have wondered the same thing as well, love. The conclusion I come to, whether it's appropriate or not, is that it's way too much damn energy for a flight of stairs. Sure, we could do it, and if our lives were in danger unless we climbed stairs, I'm sure we would. But just to climb stairs for the sake of it when an elevator is an option... when it costs THAT MUCH MORE energy and pain, seems pointless. You know you physically could, but is it really worth it to tire yourself out for the rest of the day just to prove to yourself and others that you can climb a flight of stairs? I'm rambling. Haha. But yeah, that's where I land on it.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog via a blog of a friend and was compelled to comment. I'm 28, and had 70-80% fev1 until I was about 20 years old, when I started a 5-year decline to the 40's and 30's (fev1). I thought like you ALWAYS.. until things got bad. Now I blame everything on CF, and honestly, I think its safer to blame CF instead of laziness. It makes you take action better. It makes you think "things are getting worse so I should try more stairs, maybe get some antibiotics, do some extra physio, etc". I spent too many years thinking I just didn't "want" to do the stairs, so I didn't think anything of it. Please think of it as CF, even if its not, you'll do better!
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