Tis the season I guess! Every time I turn around on Facebook someone else is announcing their pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for my friends and family, but at the same time, I feel that pang of jealousy.
I thought having the hysterectomy would have made my reaction to babies and pregnancies much harder to deal with, but I have noticed no change. The only real difference is that I no longer think to myself that maybe it wouldn't hurt to have a baby of my own. Now I know that possibility is gone, so I no longer think it. But it doesn't make it any harder on me, if that makes sense.
I see these women, some girls I went to school with or worked with or knew through other friends, having babies, posting pictures of their families and the smiling kids, and it makes me hurt. I knew these women when they were just kids themselves. It is strange seeing them with families, with adorable babies in their arms, with their proud husbands by their sides. It makes me want that for me and Peter.
I know I will have a step daughter soon, and I know she calls me mom already, but it is NOT the same. I don't have the same love for her that a mother has for her baby when she holds them in her arms for the first time. I don't have that special bond, that connection that makes motherhood so precious. I don't get to have my son/daughter hold my finger for the first time, or smile at me for the first time, or hear momma for the first time. I missed out on all of that, and it makes me hurt. Not sad, hurt.
These feelings don't surface very often, thankfully, and usually don't stay for long......
I have known this exact feeling for the last 13 years. It doesn't really seem to get any easier. . .even though I haven't had a Hysterectomy having a baby post transplant is such a HIGH RISK It's not really an option for us. However, I know how you feel oh too well. I struggle to "be happy" for other people, even though I really am happy for them, it's tough. . .and not many women can really understand what it's like.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) I can't relate to this completely, seeing as I do have children, but, I didn't put much thought into having them. I've often thought it was the most selfish thing I have ever done (i may have already said this, I know I share it sometimes). I wanted a baby and didn't think past what I wanted. Now, when I realize what it would be like for them to lose their mom, I feel awful. It seems like kind of a crappy thing to do to them. I often find myself saying little prayers like "just let me see them graduate college (or get married, etc - life milesstones)." And when they talk about the future I am always included in it, so that twinge inside me thinking I might not be around to see that is heartbreaking. They have no idea, really. So while I don't know what you feel, I can say that I am proud of you for being rational and thoughtful in your decision - such a difficult one to make. Though I know it sometimes hurts that you're not the one holding a baby, you truly made a very kind and thoughtful decision about what would be best for your family. I don't regret my kids, but I do regret not thinking any farther than what ~I~ wanted - and I feel guilty about it sometimes. As an aside, so you and Peter ever talk about foster or adoption? I suppose given what I just said about my own decision, it defeats what I'm giving you kudos for here. but I didn't know if that was something you guys felt might be an option? Whatever it is, yur step daughter is a lucky girl to have you and though she's not bonded to you in the same way (I know what you mean, I am also a stepmom)a birth mother might be, you'll still be able to share in many of the same joys and heartaches that come with raising a child of your own. <3
ReplyDeleteOur lives are very similar. I echo your feelings and agree that, even though other women (who can have kids or already has kids) say they understand, they could never, ever, truly understand the pain we feel.
ReplyDeleteI'm eternally grateful to have 3 boys (boyfriend's sons) in my life and am glad you have a step-daughter.
I think that even if you don't feel as though you have that special bond with her...she probably does. Think back to when you were a kid. It means a hell of a lot to have an adult in your life that treats you as though you were their own, and as if they were the most amazing child in the world.
My father adopted me and my brother when we were two and three, respectively (married our mom). They went on to have two more children and you would absolutely never know that we weren't his biological children as well.
I don't think it'll ever get easier knowing we can't have babies, but we are extremely lucky regardless - men we love and who love us back, and children we get to influence, and who in turn show us a kind of love we may have never experienced had they not come into our lives.
P.S. voted for you and Peter!
We went though some similar feelings as we struggled with fertility for the first ten years of our marriage. Now we have two kids, one with CF, among many other medical issues. I wish you well as you prepare for your marriage.
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