Tis the season I guess! Every time I turn around on Facebook someone else is announcing their pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for my friends and family, but at the same time, I feel that pang of jealousy.
I thought having the hysterectomy would have made my reaction to babies and pregnancies much harder to deal with, but I have noticed no change. The only real difference is that I no longer think to myself that maybe it wouldn't hurt to have a baby of my own. Now I know that possibility is gone, so I no longer think it. But it doesn't make it any harder on me, if that makes sense.
I see these women, some girls I went to school with or worked with or knew through other friends, having babies, posting pictures of their families and the smiling kids, and it makes me hurt. I knew these women when they were just kids themselves. It is strange seeing them with families, with adorable babies in their arms, with their proud husbands by their sides. It makes me want that for me and Peter.
I know I will have a step daughter soon, and I know she calls me mom already, but it is NOT the same. I don't have the same love for her that a mother has for her baby when she holds them in her arms for the first time. I don't have that special bond, that connection that makes motherhood so precious. I don't get to have my son/daughter hold my finger for the first time, or smile at me for the first time, or hear momma for the first time. I missed out on all of that, and it makes me hurt. Not sad, hurt.
These feelings don't surface very often, thankfully, and usually don't stay for long......