Thursday, May 26, 2011

My heart is heavy

Bree, our beloved Bree, passed away yesterday on May 25th. She is at peace and with her friends Megs and Karyn and all those that have gone before her.

My heart is broken. I am so sad that I will never be able to talk to her again. I'll never be able to see WOMAN!!!!! pop up on my screen. I'll never be able to use all those funny MSN smileys with someone and giggle like a school girl when the chick is burning. I'll never be able to send her texts messages and I'll never have an escape plan (she always told me if I needed to run away from the US as a convict I was welcome to stay with her lol).

I've never met Bree. I've never talked to her on the phone. I've never heard her voice. But we were close. I count her as one of my closest online friends. We shared so much. All the aspects of lung disease that you can think of. All the aspects of med side affects you can think of. We talked about the funny, the gross, the down right nasty. And through it all we just laughed and coughed and smiled.

The online world is now a much less lively place. Her blog would cause uncontrollable laughter followed by uncontrollable coughing. But it was always worth it. She had a way with words. One that I was always jealous of. She made her posts come to life and bring insanity into your world. She was a character. And that character has been written out of this world's script.

These past few months as she became sicker and sicker I just prayed that she would make it out alive. Even if it meant she had to be blind for the rest of her life, as long as she was alive and happy and healthy I would be happy. But it didn't happen. The virus she caught proved to be too much. I just hope she didn't suffer.

I remember almost 2 years ago when she got the call that saved her life. I remember being so ecstatic and elated that she was getting her chance to breathe again. I also remember being nervous and scared. I kept thinking what would I do if she didn't make it? How would I live without being able to talk to her almost daily? I was filled with such conflicting emotions. When she came out on the other side like a champ I was doubly excited. She was back and she was going to stay with us for a very long time.

I'll never forget her. My first memory is when we were both members of "that" site a couple of years back. She was blogging on there and the first post I read by her was about her need to wear oxygen when she was driving to work and while she was at work. She was so young, 21 I think. I was sad that a young vibrant woman needed to wear O2 and needed a transplant. It was my first real look into the lives of those with lung disease, besides my own. She showed me a lot of things and I will never be able to repay her for that.

At this point I have come to a fork - should I make the 10 hour trip to the funeral, or should I mourn from home. I want nothing more than to say goodbye to her. For me, seeing the services is what makes it real to me. I know it is real, I know she is gone, but seeing her memorial will really hit it home for me. Much like when Jenn passed. It wasn't real and I didn't really cry till the services. I've cried for Bree, but nothing like I would if I was there. I have till tomorrow to decide since her services are on Saturday at 3pm.

Breathe Easy my friend. Until we meet again.........


  1. Beautifully written.

    If it was me, I'd go to her memorial. But if you can't go, for whatever reason, I'm sure she won't mind if you just set aside some time to think of her with a cup of tea :)

    I'm really going to miss her, and definitely her blogs. I've always been in awe, and a little bit jealous of her way with words too xx

  2. I'm so sorry Amy! <3 Peace to you.

  3. We are all so sorry for this loss, and I appreciate you putting such an eloquent voice to your own feelngs. If you can go to the memorial, I would. It sounds like you really want to, and if it will help you grieve her, then it will be good for you. xxoo to you, Amy.

  4. I read Bree's blog as faithfully as I read yours and even though I've never talked to her, I felt incredibly sad. It just sucks. She was so happy with her new lungs and had such big plans.
    I want my new life with my new lungs to be like that.
    It's obvious she was loved and brought a lot to many people's lives.
    Thinking of you. You're lucky to have had such a good friend. And thankfully you'll always have your memories.