Do you ever have a hard time sleeping or falling asleep? Is it because your mind won't shut off and let you just relax? Do you think of stupid shit that you would much rather not think about, but if you had to, to at least do it during daylight hours?
Yeah that was me last night and this morning.
The passing of a friend on Friday has made a few of us remember that we need to get our advanced directives in order. Most of us have thought about it and started the process but never got around to finishing it. Another poster on CF2chat.com let us read some of what she had written down and encouraged us to "steal" what we wanted to for ours. So Saturday night I spent 2 hours writing mine out. Details like me not wanting to be kept on life support if I have no chance of recovery. My desire to be buried with Maggie when I am cremated. Things like that. It felt good to get it all written down and printed out. Now I just need to get it signed.
I guess last night my mind finally took those actions to heart.
I got scared lying in bed.
What if that nasty infection that can kill me, kills me soon?
See told you it was something stupid. OK maybe not entirely stupid since it really could happen, but why think about it at 3am?
What if all the IVs I do and all the breathing treatments and all the therapy does not stop it? What if I wake up one morning to horrible pain and find that my one lung has stopped working entirely? What if I get so sick I can not be placed on the transplant list?
We think we will be strong and ready when our time comes, but will we? I think back to my PICC fiasco (I know it is NOTHING like dying so please do not think I am making light of those who have passed) and how scared I was and all I kept thinking that this was not the way I wanted to die. I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was I couldn't breathe and there were doctors EVERYWHERE in my room. I didn't want that to be my time and I am so thankful that it wasn't.
But how will I be if the infection ravages my body and I am laying there, in my bed, doped up on meds to help me relax and trying to breathe? Will I have the strength to fight back? Will I lay there and see what God has in store for me? Will I just give up and let myself pass?
Those are the questions that kept me up partially last night, scared and afraid, but not willing to let myself speak it, only think it.