Yep I said it. I miss the dressing up, doing my hair, social interactions of a job. A steady 9-5 everyday job.
Yesterday I had my first OGTT (Oral Glucose Tolerance Test) - for another blog another day I promise - and on my way I drove past a small corporate park right on Rte 1. Its down the street from my house, maybe 10 minutes to get to it depending on traffic of course. But I found myself wondering what places of business were in there and if they were hiring for secretary - oh sorry administrative assistant - positions and how much they paid. I found myself day dreaming about getting up in the morning and showering, getting dressed and heading to work. Doing the same old boring paperwork day after day but thankful that I had a job and was getting out of the house. Enjoying the paycheck that I was bringing home weekly and relishing that I was again contributing to society.
Then reality hit. I was exhausted from being up at 7am so I could be in Boston by 10am. I was SOB walking into the CT clinic to have the test done. I went home and slept for 2.5 hours because I was so tired, which beat out exercising.
If I went back to work I would have to go to bed at like 9pm, or earlier, in order to get enough sleep to possibly stay awake for the full day. I wouldn't be able to exercise because I would be so tired all the time. I wouldn't be able to do any type of housework or cook because I would be exhausted all the time. I would be a miserable bitch because I would be exhausted all the time. I wouldn't want to do anything on the weekends except stay in bed because I would be exhausted all the time.
Working again, 40+ hours a week on a set schedule is not doable for me. Its my reality. I need to sleep when I can. I need to be able to rest a whole day if needed - and not just on the weekend. I need to have the flexibility to be hospitalized when needed and not worry about my job. It sucks and I want to work again. I truly do. I miss all that comes with working, yes even the days where I was bored out of my skull with nothing to do. Because at least I was out of the house, making a living and not depending on SSDI to pay all my bills for me.
I guess it is something I can look forward to post transplant...