Feeling Fat

As a CFer being "fat" is a good thing.  It means you have a cushion for when your lungs decline so that if you do lose weight you won't get into that bad low weight zone.  For me, my comfortable cushion is around 114lbs.  I always felt like I had a harder time breathing when I was any heavier than that.  And for years I never had to worry since it was rare I got that high.  I was normally around 107-108lbs, that was about 3.5 years ago.  With that I would eat as much as I could when I felt like it.

Now....I am at a whopping 128lbs.  14lbs above my comfort weight and 20lbs above my normal.

But you are probably asking how my normal weight can be 107 when I haven't seen that in 3.5 years?  Well the answer is actually simple.  3.5 years ago I started on anti-depressants.  All of a sudden my weight was not an issue.  I put on weight and kept it on for the first time ever.  I was consistently around 114-117lbs. And more recently 118-120lbs.  I was not happy with the 120lbs and tried to lose some weight to no avail.

Then 4 months ago I was put on another weight gainer pill....a hormone replacement drug for my hysterectomy.  From that I put on 8lbs in 3 months.  WOW.  That is the LARGEST gain I have ever had in that short amount of time.  I tried to blame a full gut on the weight thinking there was no way I could possibly gain that much any other way.  But after several clean outs and not loosing more than 1-2lbs and then promptly re-gaining it, I knew it was not pooh.  It is REAL weight.

I have recently stopped the anti-depressants so I could shed a few pounds and also because I feel like I am at a place where I don't need them anymore.  I have some on hand if I get all crazy again.  But I have faith I shall be OK.  I have also decided to stop the hormone replacement pills.  I did not want to start them in the first place but both the CF doctor and gynecological oncologist who did the surgery insisted I needed to be on it. I understand their concerns but I had no menopause symptoms and didn't want to add another drug.  I reluctantly agreed and I think after 4 months I am OK stopping it.  Again, I can restart it if I feel I need to.

The real reasoning behind the change in meds is I feel fat and gross.  Today as I was looking at myself in the mirror while walking on the treadmill (why do they put mirrors there anyway?) I felt like I was staring at someone else.  Who is that person with chubby cheeks and a gut?  That can't be me?  I am not that heavy.  But I am.  That start of a double chin and pudgy gut IS me.

I can hear you all saying that I have lost my mind.  That I am not fat or pudgy and that I still look the same as I always have.  And in a sense you are right.  I am not fat, not by anyone's standards but my own.  But that is just it.  MY standards make me feel fat.  I am not comfortable with my weight.  To go from a size 4 with a belt to a size 6 with a button that won't button is a huge blow to the self esteem.  And sure I could buy new pants that fit me, and sure I could buy new shirts that aren't so tight on me, and sure I could go broke doing this, but who wants to?  It was different when I went from a 2 to a 4 because that was great.

Now I just feel like gluttony has taken over and I don't want to feel that way anymore.  When I get dressed in the mornings I want to feel amazing.  I want to look at myself and smile and know that I look good.  I don't want to wear sweat pants all the time because they are more comfortable and don't dig into my stomach.  I want to be comfortable with myself and how I look.  Whether that means I need to lose 10lbs or 20 to get to were I feel comfortable, it will happen.  And if my doctors get angry they can.  But in the end I am the one who has to be comfortable with myself, not them.

**No I am not doing anything drastic.  I don't want anyone thinking they need to call someone to make sure I don't get all bulimic on you.  I want to be comfortable with myself, not a bag of bones**