Ecccchhhoooooooo

Today I had an echocardiogram done for transplant evaluation.

First off it was so cool!  I got to watch my heart actually BEATING on the screen!  Took me a few seconds to be sure that was what it really was, but it was in line with the "duh dun...duh dun...duh dun" of my heart beat.  It was so small and I laid there for a while trying to figure out which angle it was. I kept picturing baby ultrasounds and how a baby would lay in the abdomen and how that looks....and well you get the idea.

Secondly I guess it wasn't THAT cool because I started to nod off....and did one of those "jump in your seats when you realize you are falling asleep" moves, only I was laying on my side....with the echo lady rubbing the device over my boob.  Ah well.  She asked if I was falling asleep and laughed.  I felt like an ass but hey they keep it dark in there and looking at my heart can only entertain me for so long ya know.

I was the youngest one in the waiting room by far.  I guess today was the older generation (see how I used that instead of old farts lol) day at the cardiovascular center.

I am feeling thoroughly overwhelmed at this transplant evaluation.  I have hit denial mode and just can't seem to find the energy to move forward with it.  My BRAVO test is scheduled but I need to move it because it falls on a day I will be inpatient, and they won't place it while inpatient (seriously PENN was so much better about this shit than BWH is sheesh).  Clinic sent me a list of everything I have to have done, and when, to keep myself on the list (active or not) when I am actually listed.  Key is getting everything up to date all at once so they can present my case and decide if I am a good candidate for lung transplantation.

But that is where I fall off the wagon.  Getting it all scheduled and completed before something else expires.  It's almost like I am sabotaging this before it even begins.  Kinda like all my old relationships HA!  If you sabotage it before it starts, then there is no disappointment when it doesn't work/happen right?  RIGHT?

I remember when transplant was a word that described sick people needing new organs.  It was a word that I NEVER thought I would ever use on an almost daily basis.  It is a word I NEVER thought I would think about constantly.  And it is a word I NEVER thought would cause me so much anxiety and fear.

I do plan on discussing my main concerns with the doctor next time I am there.  I need them to be aware of my concerns, and see if they are the same as theirs...i.e. cancer.  All this because of the threat of cancer.  All this because I am PETRIFIED to get cancer after transplant.  When I say petrified I mean like the kids in Jurassic Park when they are running for their lives scared.  Yeah intense I know.