I hate being all Debbie Downer when I just had a blast at a friends’ house but we all know I am known for that!
So here goes. I hate that when I “meet” a guy, a guy I could potentially date, I immediately ask myself if I think he will be able to handle CF and if he would want to deal with it. I know that I shouldn’t think that way and that it is not my decision but it’s how I think. And it probably comes across as not giving the guy enough credit to be able to handle it. It has nothing to do with that at all. It is entirely me thinking that anyone should get more from a spouse than what I can offer. Pathetic I know.
I’ll explain where this all came from. There is this guy I went to school with (high school). I haven’t seen or talked to him in quite a long time. Maybe here and there at our friend N & K’s house, but not since high school. And to be honest
What brought on all my self loathing feelings is that I was watching him and wondering if we could date. I know I move fast in my head! But then I was thinking why would he want a sick girlfriend. Why would he want someone that won’t be able to work soon and will need a transplant at some point, yadda yadda yadda. All things that I shouldn’t worry about and should let him find out on his own and decide for himself. And remember all we did was say hello at this point. Unfortunately, that is how my mind works. The minute I see a man that I find attractive I automatically switch to that mode and it’s over in my head.
It also explains why I cling to men that don’t mind the whole CF thing (read P the cop). I have such difficulty finding men that will stick around that when I do I grab on and hold tight and don’t want to let go. Even if they are not really mine for the keeping.
I know I can not think like this. I know that I am single because I think like this (well that and I
Ok rant over! I had a fabulous 4th and I am so glad I went out!