Sunday, July 5, 2009

Fabulous evening but I always ruin it in my head

I hate being all Debbie Downer when I just had a blast at a friends’ house but we all know I am known for that!

So here goes. I hate that when I “meet” a guy, a guy I could potentially date, I immediately ask myself if I think he will be able to handle CF and if he would want to deal with it. I know that I shouldn’t think that way and that it is not my decision but it’s how I think. And it probably comes across as not giving the guy enough credit to be able to handle it. It has nothing to do with that at all. It is entirely me thinking that anyone should get more from a spouse than what I can offer. Pathetic I know.

I’ll explain where this all came from. There is this guy I went to school with (high school). I haven’t seen or talked to him in quite a long time. Maybe here and there at our friend N & K’s house, but not since high school. And to be honest never really in high school either since we didn’t hang with the same crowd (read him popular, me dorky LOL). So yesterday I went to get my hair cut (I’ll post pictures later!) and as I was walking up I saw him in the window with one of his daughters. I ended up sitting next to him but we didn’t talk…again haven’t spoken in years. I thought to myself “hmmm he looks great!” Fast forward to tonight. I am at my friend’s dad’s house for a party and then leave to go to my other friend’s N & K’s house for another party. I walk in the back yard and who is there? Yep, hot dad with both daughters. This time we did say hi and acknowledged that we were both at the hair place yesterday.

What brought on all my self loathing feelings is that I was watching him and wondering if we could date. I know I move fast in my head! But then I was thinking why would he want a sick girlfriend. Why would he want someone that won’t be able to work soon and will need a transplant at some point, yadda yadda yadda. All things that I shouldn’t worry about and should let him find out on his own and decide for himself. And remember all we did was say hello at this point. Unfortunately, that is how my mind works. The minute I see a man that I find attractive I automatically switch to that mode and it’s over in my head.

It also explains why I cling to men that don’t mind the whole CF thing (read P the cop). I have such difficulty finding men that will stick around that when I do I grab on and hold tight and don’t want to let go. Even if they are not really mine for the keeping.

I know I can not think like this. I know that I am single because I think like this (well that and I never leave my house, but that’s because I don’t want to LOL). I know that I am happy right now being single but it doesn’t mean that I want to stay single forever or that I should have to because of my own stupid ways of thinking. I just have no idea HOW to change the way I think. Whenever I talk to my friends about it they just tell me I am crazy and to stop. But HOW?

Ok rant over! I had a fabulous 4th and I am so glad I went out!


  1. Oh Amy we are so the same same same. More tomorrow!! I am sleepy!!
    -CG under a different account because I'm too sleepy to log in!!

  2. GAH! Woman I hear you completely. I think the thing with being single, is that you're single for a reason and that is so you can love yourself first and foremost. As i always say: you can't expect someone to love you if you can't yet love yourself! You will reach a point where you become Ok with your situation, but it's hard. I'm in the same boat. And i'm single, but Mr. Right hasn't come along yet.

    Ugh, men. I love them but want to strangle many of them!

  3. I had the same feelings you do for many years. I would always think, "Why would I put someone who I supposedly love through all of this crap?". It took some time and a mental adjustment by I finally worked through it (with some help of course :)) If you would like to talk further on this, just email me.

    Mandi would be a great one to talk to too!