I know this is something that we adult CFers struggle with a lot. Many of us seem to have overcome it, yet many of us still struggle with it on a daily basis. What is it that I am talking about?
Letting someone important into our CF world.
And by important I mean someone we love and want to spend the rest of our lives with. Someone we want to share all of our secrets and heartaches with. Someone whose shoulder you want to cry on and whose hand you want to hold.
That special someone.
This has been a very hard thing for me to do. It is turning out to still be very difficult for me to do. And given the man I am dating, it should be easy. But it is not. It is harder than I thought it would be. Granted I have overcome some of my own obstacles like vesting in front of him and wearing oxygen during "ahem". But these are only the superficial areas of CF.
There are so many more things that I need to let him into. Like when I am in pain (which is way more than I like these days), when I am having one of those bad CF days, going to the doctor with me and just talking about CF stuff. We do live together so it's not like I can really hide anything physical, but the inside things, I can hide those like a champ.
You are probably wondering why this should be easy because of who I am dating. So for all of you who do not know, I am dating the brother of a close friend of mine, whose husband had a double lung transplant Thanksgiving day of 2008. The hubby and my man are also very close friends, and he is a big part of the support team. So obviously he knows what to expect in a way. All CF cases are different I know, but there are still so many similarities.
And while I am at it, it also has me thinking that I want to stop him from having to deal with anything that I will go through in the future. I know he can handle it, I have total faith in that, and he has a sister who has dealt with it all too so he has a support system. But that is no consolation to me at all. And it should be. I should be ecstatic that after all these years of dating assholes who couldn't and didn't want to deal, I have found someone who can and will.
So why can't I be happy for myself? Why can't I stop thinking that I should tell him to go away and not to worry about me? Why do I stay?
Well I stay for purely selfish reasons because I love him more than anything and can't imagine life without him. But this love is blinding me, and making me want to protect him. He has met me at a time in my life where I am not really ME. I am a dumbed down, less active version of the person I once was. Will he still love me when I am transplanted and can do all of those fun activities again? And why must I think about all of this now when I have not even started the evaluation process?
If you didn't think I was crazy before, now you are well aware of it. I am a looney waiting for the straight jacket and people in white coats to take me away.