Wednesday, February 24, 2010

It's raining outside and in my head

Another day another blog.  And still feeling lost and blah.

I want to shake this feeling and I am starting to think it won't happen anytime soon.  I was like this yesterday and even shed a few tears.  That is rare for me.  I was hoping to wake up in a better mood today, but I sept until almost noon (with an hour earlier to read a few chapters of my book) and still felt moody.  No desire to exercise, no desire to leave the house, no desire to eat.  I didn't eat dinner last night, which my boyfriend commented on.  I ate dinner tonight but it was my only meal today.  I hate feeling like this.  I will be sure to mention it at clinic and hopefully get something to add to my anti-depressant.  While I am sure I will overcome this in a few days, I don't like not wanting to smile, or eat or exercise.  Hell I didn't even do my night time treatments last night because I didn't feel like it.  We all know that is not good in <40% FEV1 land.

I know right now is the in-between period for me.  I have to wait until April 1st to switch my residency, apply for SSDI, etc.  So until then I feel like an outsider.  Like I am just here and not here.  I can't drop my long term disability insurance until SSDI kicks in, which means I can't get a small part time job or go back to school until that happens.  I can't re-decorate Peter's entire house because that takes money and I am running on a tight budget and so is he.  There are only so many tv shows, and so many books you can read.  I have almost completed an entire baby blanket in about 10 days (will be done Friday for sure).   What else can I do?

I just hate feeling like I have no purpose.  Hell I can't even volunteer on LTD because it is like work.  I don't know how people do this for long periods of time.  I'm going insane and it's only been 2 months.  Sad as it is going into the hospital wouldn't be so bad right now because then at least it would be a change of pace for me.  How sad is that?

Guess I better be careful what I wish for or I might just end up inpatient at clinic next month.


  1. Check your LTD policy. My guess is that it has some sort of provision that, at least for the first year or two years, you simply have to prove that you cannot work in a comparable position. When I first went on disability (LTD), my friend who happens to be a lawyer (I won't name names, know) told me that her recommendation for volunteer work is 1) no more than 4 hours a day, and 2) never two days in a row. If you are doing volunteer work for less than 15 hours a week (i.e., even less than a part-time job) then there should be NO way for your disability provider to claim it is reasonable work, much less comparable to your old full-time position.

    You know how to contact me if you want to talk.

  2. Amy, I know what you mean l am going mad after 9 months of anti's, eating, sleeping, reading and watching tv at home. A treat for me is going to the hospital each week to see my specialist for a check up. (How sad is that) Cause of my oxygen l am pretty much house bound and know exactly what you are going through. Try and find something you can do at home that is new and will give you some excitment for a while or also try and have visitors when you can to break up your day. You get to the point where you feel you are surviving not living but l just try and make the most of my good days to help me through the bad.

  3. New puppy??? :) They are all sunshine as you know. Sorry you're feeling so blah. I know and hate that feeling too. It's really hard to deal with and to get out of. Hate funks, but I know you'll find your way and purpose will reemerge for you. I hope sooner then later.