Another day another blog. And still feeling lost and blah.
I want to shake this feeling and I am starting to think it won't happen anytime soon. I was like this yesterday and even shed a few tears. That is rare for me. I was hoping to wake up in a better mood today, but I sept until almost noon (with an hour earlier to read a few chapters of my book) and still felt moody. No desire to exercise, no desire to leave the house, no desire to eat. I didn't eat dinner last night, which my boyfriend commented on. I ate dinner tonight but it was my only meal today. I hate feeling like this. I will be sure to mention it at clinic and hopefully get something to add to my anti-depressant. While I am sure I will overcome this in a few days, I don't like not wanting to smile, or eat or exercise. Hell I didn't even do my night time treatments last night because I didn't feel like it. We all know that is not good in <40% FEV1 land.
I know right now is the in-between period for me. I have to wait until April 1st to switch my residency, apply for SSDI, etc. So until then I feel like an outsider. Like I am just here and not here. I can't drop my long term disability insurance until SSDI kicks in, which means I can't get a small part time job or go back to school until that happens. I can't re-decorate Peter's entire house because that takes money and I am running on a tight budget and so is he. There are only so many tv shows, and so many books you can read. I have almost completed an entire baby blanket in about 10 days (will be done Friday for sure). What else can I do?
I just hate feeling like I have no purpose. Hell I can't even volunteer on LTD because it is like work. I don't know how people do this for long periods of time. I'm going insane and it's only been 2 months. Sad as it is going into the hospital wouldn't be so bad right now because then at least it would be a change of pace for me. How sad is that?
Guess I better be careful what I wish for or I might just end up inpatient at clinic next month.