Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Feeling blah

Life not working sucks.  I feel like a total loser, like I should be doing things and I am not.  I know this is all for my health and I can’t imagine getting up at 5:30 again to go to work, but I still feel like I am worthless.  I knew these feelings would hit eventually but I really hoped they would hold off for more than a month.  I’ve been out of work 5 weeks, that’s it.  I am just getting into a routine with my meds in my new home.  I should not feel like I need to work to show my worth.  But alas, I do.

I am hoping that once I get all of my stuff up here and I have my exercise videos and ball I will feel better, because then I can exercise.  Right now, all I am doing is sleeping until 10-11:30 and then sitting on the sofa till Peter gets home.  I do wash and sweep but I haven’t done much else.  I just don’t have the energy for it.  I can’t tell if it is a mental lack of energy or a physical one.  Meaning, am I hitting another low point and will need to ride this out and hope to feel better in a few days or weeks?

And I don’t want anyone who doesn’t work thinking I think they are losers.  I don’t and I know this is for my benefit.  But I have been working since age 15 so for me not to work is just weird and strange to me.  I don’t like it.


  1. amen, cyster. i'm soooo right there with you.

    sure, our worth isn't defined by our work. we're smart, wonderful, well-liked, successful women who are making informed choices about our health and we should be proud of ourselves for that. blah, blah, blah. we've all heard the reasoning and we know the logic, but the fact remains that sometimes it flat-out sucks to be in your 20s and out of a job.

    i hope you find something that helps pass the time and make you feel fulfilled soon. i could share some of my tips, but i'm no expert anyway and the fact of the matter is it's all personal -- plus i doubt you're looking for a lecture. so whatever, i say take it at your own pace, feel whatever it is you feel, scream and shout if you need to, and then let me know when you emerge from it all more awesome than ever. in the meantime, know that there's at least one person out here calling for you to "preach on!"

  2. I'm with you girl. I've felt like that for awhile now. I'm lacking the confidence to start charging for my photography, and that's really the only thing I can do. Ughh.

  3. Thanks ladies...'I'm glad I am not the only one feeling like I should do more. And I am getting paid so its not like I am totally broke. Just so strange not having to get dressed for work etc. Glad you can feel my pain...kinda...not glad you feel the same but, well you know what I mean :)

  4. I have been staying at home for 10 years. I love not having to get all dressed up for work... late my "uniform" has been yoga pants and comfy t-shirts.

    You will find your new rhythm being at home.

  5. I hear you! Of course, I can't totally sympathize with you because I am still working full time. I'm at that point where some days you think you can handle it, and some days you wonder what the heck you're doing completely exhausting yourself each week. I'm worried about feeling that way, though! I know I get a taste of it when I'm out on short term disability or in the hospital...

    But I think everyone here is right... Maybe you'll feel better once you get a routine, find some fun things to do, and start exercising!!!

    Glad you are finally in MA :)

  6. Hey Amy,
    i know what you mean l have been at home for 8 months and have found it a real struggle to do anything apart from sit on the couch and watch my little girl do things or watch her sit in front of the tv. After 16 years working my days have no structure, not timelines, no staff asking me questions etc to all of a sudden l have no energy and it is a struggle to get off the couch. I have just been listed today and have realised that even though it will be very hard l need to start finding my structure and living my life. But l also needed that time to let my body rest and l think you most likely do to. I dont know Peter but he is most likely not fussed about you not working so take the time to let you body rest.

  7. Amy,
    I have totally been there. I think I'm still there! It's a mental thing that just kept dragging me back to that place. Keep your chin up and know that you are loved. That is what helps me get through my rough patches...

  8. I know what you mean too. I hate that feeling! I haven't committed 100% to not working yet and part of that is b/c I love my work and it makes me happy. How sad to stop something you love to do, and I know you loved your work too.

    I guess this is part of our evolution that makes us a stronger person. who the f*ck knows, but it does take some serious work on our part to figure this out and rise above, somehow. Okay now I feel like I'm talking out of my a$$, but really there is some truth in there somewhere.

    I had some long great conversations about this topic with Paul. He was so insightful about this stuff.

    Peace to you my friend. I hope you're able to maybe find something else that requires less of you but that still gives you a lot of pleasure and entertainment and purpose.

  9. Thank you everyone. Today I did feel much better and I was able to get a lot of crochet done. That made me feel good. I know it is a mental thing and I am sure I will be fine in a few days and I can get back into feeling like ME :)

  10. Oh I am so there with you Amy. I've been off work for...well it'll be 2 years end of April. I still struggle every day with not working.
    If I didn't love what I do maybe I wouldn't be so upset by it I guess. It's really hard not working, I feel useless, like what is my purpose? It's like a lost my sense of self. Who am I without my work?
    I know like everyone else this is the best thing for me and my health. I know I have no energy....1 hour at the mall and I feel as though I've run a marathon; just completely exhausted. Although other days I can last for hours.
    It's really helpful to know that I'm not alone in this. It's also helpful to know that there is a point to this - we are putting our health before our work.
    What keeps me going is my dreams of when I finally get a transplant, am healthy, go back to work and resume my old life.
    For now, I keep my sanity by remembering I'm not alone and reminding myself why I'm not working.

  11. can you find a way to 'give back' to our online community? Research, write articles, a health blog, excercise experiment? Or what about throwing yourself into raising awareness in your new homeland about Great Strides? Try getting in touch with a school to do a mini event or do a business campaign visiting one per day to educate them and solicit donations or contact the news to see if they will do a story on CF and or you?

    Just thinking. I find if I focus my time and energy on someone else or doing something I find worth it I feel happy. I have not had the not working experience because of CF yet but I was out of work for a long while after dx and I had to find things to occupy myself but it wasnt semi-permanent.

    I am sorry you are feeling down .