No this isn't a Bangles song. Its just me blogging about CF. Which, in a way, could be considered an eternal flame. However, that's not the point of this blog today.
Today I'm talking about the feeling of being in a dream at times. When you are having an "out of body experience" and feel like its not you with the CF. Confused yet? Stayed tuned, it only gets better, or worse, or more confusing depending on...well...me.
As I was being wheeled to the xray lab yesterday, a familiar thought passed through my mind. Is this really me? Am I really the one in a wheelchair, blanket over my lap, PICC in one arm, IV in the other and a mask over my face? Or am I imagining it all? Is this all just a dream, or a chapter in a book? Does my imagination really work THAT well?
Of course we all know the answers to those questions. YES this is me. And while I might have a great imagination, I don't think it is THAT great.
How do I come to these strange feelings you may ask? Well I am a huge reader. I always have a book I am reading and sometimes even two if I am slowly making my way through one I'm unsure of. Getting lost in the chapters, pages and words is one of my favorite past times. I have fallen in love with characters (no really, I fell in love with a man in a book I read once and even cried when the book was over because I didn't want to leave him - consider me crazy yet?), hated characters to the core, and felt pity on others. To me, reading is a way to get away from reality, and it works. So its safe to say we can see why I feel like I am in a book, reading about someone else's life, not my own.
Later on, as I lie there on my hospital bed, being beaten up by the respitory therapist du jour, the feelings come back. Its all so familiar, yet so distant. I know I've been there before, yet I don't know why. Unsure of how I got there, I succumb to the poundings and let the feelings of dreaming take over me.
Perhaps one day I'll escape dream land and find myself in reality, where I belong, and without CF. Or I might just stay in this land where my friends reside and I can think of escaping to "reality".
I know what you are talking about - I have those moments too!!! Okay, maybe not while getting the mucus pounded out of me (I don't have cf, my son does) - but the out of body experience/dream feeling. I was a book lover growing up too -hmm, never connected the two. Just a couple weeks ago I asked my husband if he ever had those moments, he said "all the time"...and now you bring it up. wierd.
ReplyDeleteIt should be a dream. I am sorry you are in the hospital right now. My daughter has CF and she just had 2 hospital stays in the last 4 months. Hopefully, you get everything done they hope to accomplish with you and you get your ticket home quickly.
ReplyDeleteI am curious, do you use the vest? Just wondering if they choose to do the manual PT over the vest in the hospital.
I had those moments my last hospitalization, too. When I turned 37 a few weeks ago I had it again only this time I felt weird and old. I almost seemed surreal. "I am not this old".
ReplyDeleteI use the vest at home Beth. I like getting the manual here because it gives me some interaction with the "outside" world LOL.
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna feel that way too Carrie when I hit 30 in a couple months!!!
Too funny HM! Maybe we are all in a dream ;)
I've had them, I get them often in bed. LOL..but seriously I do get them often in bed. That's the time when I really get a chance to think about my entire day and how much I did or didn't do depending on my muscles.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone...