I've lost myself.
I have no idea where to begin to look for myself, but I am hoping to find a way.
I know what needs to be done, in a way, I just don't know where to start.
This is the first time in my life I feel like I have lost who I am, completely. Me, the person under all the CF garbage. The person who loves life and lives it as best as she can. That's right, I have lost her.
Many things in the life of a CFer can make them lose themselves; the need to stop working, the diminishing social life, the countless doctor's appointments. All those things I expected, I faced and I dealt with in my own way. What I was not prepared for was losing myself when I moved.
Yes I said it, when I moved.
Do not for a minute think that I regret the decision; I love where I am and who I am with. However, I forgot one vital piece of it all. I forgot to remember who I am. I have done what so many women past and present have done. They lose themselves in their relationship. With guilt ridden fingers I can say this is not the first time I have done this, but it is the most abrupt, the most complete, the most alarming. Few times before I succumbed to my boyfriend's life, becoming friends with his friends (many of which are still some of my closest), doing what he wanted, where he wanted, but always making time for my friends. This is the first time that I really can't make time for my friends, because my friends are not here...they are 300 miles away. No, not far at all, but not a day trip by any means. And certainly not a house I can go to on the weekend, just to get away.
As I lay in the bed I share, with the man I love, I cried about this all. I cried about how I have no friends in MA (T and S yes, but having one set of friends is never enough), no life I can call my own. I am a prisoner of our house. Stuck inside because I lack the funds to go exploring, lack the energy to deal with dragging a child along, lack the motivation to find fun free things to do.
I have no life.
Plain and simple as that.
An easy remedy I hear you say. I respond with a smirk saying it is not as easy as one may think.
Where do you start when you don't know anyone? Or those whom you do know are off limits because of cross contamination issues (many CF friends live fairly close to me, we see the same doctor's at clinic etc), and you can not make them into a permanent "friendship" relationship. I have met a woman through someone P works with. This is a start yes, and we are doing dinner this week.
Where do you start when you lack the money to do things that could bring you friends? I have found an art class on Saturday mornings, or Wednesday afternoons, at an Adult Education Center (not seniors because they offer specific senior classes and also adult and children's classes), which I really want to take. It is 10 weeks long for 3 hours every Saturday morning (or Wednesday afternoon). Just a basic drawing class. Something to get me back into my art background...but it is expensive, for me and my disability income. My budget is not happy about the price at all. A.C.Moore does not have any good free classes and neither does Michaels, otherwise I would think about those.
These are the questions that I raised to myself Sunday. These are the issues that have left my eyes still puffy more than 24 hours after crying. These are the questions I fear I may never answer.
Slowly, I am trying to remind myself what I do have here. A wonderful boyfriend who I would do anything for and who would do anything for me. The freedom to have a garden and grow my own vegetables. Support in the form of "family" who have dealt with CF and transplant already. One would think these would lessen the burdens of my heart. Alas, they do not.
I am not looking for a pity party, or anyone saying oh but you have a life blah blah blah. Just saying.