I've lost myself.
I have no idea where to begin to look for myself, but I am hoping to find a way.
I know what needs to be done, in a way, I just don't know where to start.
This is the first time in my life I feel like I have lost who I am, completely. Me, the person under all the CF garbage. The person who loves life and lives it as best as she can. That's right, I have lost her.
Many things in the life of a CFer can make them lose themselves; the need to stop working, the diminishing social life, the countless doctor's appointments. All those things I expected, I faced and I dealt with in my own way. What I was not prepared for was losing myself when I moved.
***GASP***
Yes I said it, when I moved.
Do not for a minute think that I regret the decision; I love where I am and who I am with. However, I forgot one vital piece of it all. I forgot to remember who I am. I have done what so many women past and present have done. They lose themselves in their relationship. With guilt ridden fingers I can say this is not the first time I have done this, but it is the most abrupt, the most complete, the most alarming. Few times before I succumbed to my boyfriend's life, becoming friends with his friends (many of which are still some of my closest), doing what he wanted, where he wanted, but always making time for my friends. This is the first time that I really can't make time for my friends, because my friends are not here...they are 300 miles away. No, not far at all, but not a day trip by any means. And certainly not a house I can go to on the weekend, just to get away.
As I lay in the bed I share, with the man I love, I cried about this all. I cried about how I have no friends in MA (T and S yes, but having one set of friends is never enough), no life I can call my own. I am a prisoner of our house. Stuck inside because I lack the funds to go exploring, lack the energy to deal with dragging a child along, lack the motivation to find fun free things to do.
I have no life.
Plain and simple as that.
An easy remedy I hear you say. I respond with a smirk saying it is not as easy as one may think.
Where do you start when you don't know anyone? Or those whom you do know are off limits because of cross contamination issues (many CF friends live fairly close to me, we see the same doctor's at clinic etc), and you can not make them into a permanent "friendship" relationship. I have met a woman through someone P works with. This is a start yes, and we are doing dinner this week.
Where do you start when you lack the money to do things that could bring you friends? I have found an art class on Saturday mornings, or Wednesday afternoons, at an Adult Education Center (not seniors because they offer specific senior classes and also adult and children's classes), which I really want to take. It is 10 weeks long for 3 hours every Saturday morning (or Wednesday afternoon). Just a basic drawing class. Something to get me back into my art background...but it is expensive, for me and my disability income. My budget is not happy about the price at all. A.C.Moore does not have any good free classes and neither does Michaels, otherwise I would think about those.
These are the questions that I raised to myself Sunday. These are the issues that have left my eyes still puffy more than 24 hours after crying. These are the questions I fear I may never answer.
Slowly, I am trying to remind myself what I do have here. A wonderful boyfriend who I would do anything for and who would do anything for me. The freedom to have a garden and grow my own vegetables. Support in the form of "family" who have dealt with CF and transplant already. One would think these would lessen the burdens of my heart. Alas, they do not.
***DISCLAIMER***
I am not looking for a pity party, or anyone saying oh but you have a life blah blah blah. Just saying.
I moved from Rhode Island to Virginia last year to be with my boyfriend. I wouldn't regret the decision like you feel as well, but I am with you on the loneliness. On the boredom, on the dissatisfaction of everything in general. I tried school, (expensive) I tried craigslist (weirdos!!) I tried hanging out with my BF's school friends (but I came into the game late so they are 'his friends' and I feel like the tag-a-long) I tried an adult gymnastics class (not only did I waste my money b/c within the 3 week class session 2 weeks were in the hospital and I wasn't allowed a refund, plus everyone was my age +30 give or take. eek!) I know the weight of this situation is heavy!
ReplyDeleteI still haven't made many friends, but I'm much happier. I have found tutoring jobs here and there, babysitting for older kids (who are independent ie.not much work), starting volunteering for the animal shelter and I've looked into several hobbies that maybe would lead me to friends??? (bah! this one was a total bust lol) . But alas, I still don't have local friends. Is there an answer to this problem? I might never know!
However, the only suggest I have is look at local community colleges, or regular universities for a public drawing session. Usually they have figure models and a professor to aid, as long as you provide your materials the sitting fee is cheap cheap cheap. That's where I would start. The local college here is always doing one thing or another and its always inexpensive, and usually a good time. (plays, gallery art, the art sitting sessions, concerts, guest speakers, etc. ) Plus you can always just sit in on a class for free!
I wish I could sit here and type "I had this exact situation and its resolved with steps 1,2and 3" but sadly, for the both of us, I cannot type that. Although, weirdly enough blogging more frequently and "meeting" a few people that way makes me feel less lonely.
I hope your heavy heart feels just a little bit lighter tomorrow.
Smiles and hugs,
Beth
I know you crochet -- are there any knitting clubs or stores in your area where maybe you could hang out, help with projects if someone wants to get into crochetting?
ReplyDeleteAlso, our local public library has classes and events, as does our park district for a reduced price. Maybe there's something similar in your area.
I heard once upon a time that it take about a year before a new place becomes a home. You've got a lot on your plate. Things'll get better.
Ratatosk mom to Max