I have some friends on Facebook that are old coworkers. These are people I spent 40-50+ hours a week with prior to my health taking a dive and having to quit. I enjoy reading up on their lives and seeing what they are up to now.
But at the same time I hate seeing how they are progressing in their careers and life and I am sitting here, idle, waiting for my chance to excel again. And knowing that there is a chance that I may never work or accomplish my dreams ever again.
I miss the working life so much. Some days I want to delete these people from my friends list so I don't have to see the advancements they are making, or the babies they are having.
But why should I do that? And its not them, it really is ME. I need to just get over my life and remember that each person is different and each person lives life differently. This life is what is destined for me and no matter what, I can not change it. I can't change the fact that I will NEVER have a baby of my own. Or that I can't work full time right now because of my health. I could work, I could spend every free second I have making sure my health stays stable, and I could miss out on my family. Or I could continue on this path and have patience that one day I WILL go back to work, and that I WILL be amazing, and I WILL do all that I have always wanted to do.
I need to have patience and faith.....
I feel the same way lately. About the babies too. I actually dont want kids, and i have no desire to get married anytime soon if at all. But i see everyone i went to school with, with their families and their jobs. It makes me feel like "what am i doing with myself? NOTHING". I know I'll feel differently about it next week but i think i understand how u feel.
ReplyDeletewell written and deeply honest blog. to be perfectly truthful i STILL feel that way sometimes, and it seems like now that i feel like i *should* be healthy the frustration of even minor setbacks is super intense. thanks for the reminder to let things unfold. hope your patience unfolds into beautiful things, amy!
ReplyDeletethank you ladies <3
ReplyDeleteI feel better today. Its those random "why me????" moments that get you....
I've been there and continue to be there. It's a daily struggle to avoid having those thoughts suck the life and happiness out of me.
ReplyDeleteI work hard at remembering that everything happens for a reason (at least I think so) and everyone does have a different path.
I allow myself those times of hurt and sadness and then I pick myself up and force myself to look at all the positives in my life.
We have such unique stories and perspectives. What we experience on a daily basis gives us even more of a reason to fight through the bad and embrace every little positive thing we can.
Plus, I think you're cool. That says a lot ;)
Jess
since you are the awesomest person I know it DOES mean a lot ;)
DeleteI have been there too...and still have my moments! I keep thinking that I will do the best I can with whatever life gives me. I am sure that you will too! Just look at everything you have accomplished...you already are amazing!
ReplyDeleteI've learned that CF pulls no punches and that it is much, much faster than I am. When something is cruel enough to hospitalize you and your friends, there is no good way to handle it. I use my sense of humor to survive CF, because anything that is this terrifying can't be regarded as anything but a joke.
ReplyDelete