Monday, October 8, 2012

I can't Get Out of My Own Way

In 11 days I am supposed to marry my best friend.  But I feel like I can't get out of my own way.  I am a fucking mess.  My mind is everywhere but where it should be.  I want to be at the hospital to be there for my friend, but I can't because I have so much shit to do....

I have 2 graduate classes I am taking, my graduate assistanship which requires 10 hours a week of research, and planning for the wedding.

I didn't fall asleep until a little after 3am this morning and then at 3:30 my dog woke me up to go outside.  Then it was almost 4 when I went back to sleep.  P's alarm went off at 6:10 and I sort of woke up....enough to remind him that E doesn't have school today before he went to wake her up (she has an alarm clock but he checks every morning to make sure she is awake).  Then I fell back asleep till he left a little after 7.  Woke up again at 8 and then at 9 when my alarm went off.  I feel like I could sleep all day but my mind won't shut off.

Last night while trying to fall asleep I decided to head over to my friend's blog.  I re-read every single post she had on there.  I don't know if she has a back up copy but I plan on saving them all....I don't want them to be lost if she decides to delete her account one walks you through her life with her hubby who has CF.  The one that I am desperately praying for.  The one that has me in such a mess I can't even think straight....or stop crying.  He's not dead yet...he could pull through.  This last crap shoot could work and he could pull out if this and he could get better and we could all breathe a sigh of relief.

But what happens when he does pull through this?  What's next?  There is still an infection in the lungs that has caused all this in the first place.  Then there is the underlying issue....the cancer.  What about that?  He can't get chemo, and hasn't for almost 2 months, because it is killing his lungs.  Those bright shiny pink lungs that have sustained him for almost 4 years.

God this is just so fucking awful.

1 comment:

  1. Amy, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Please know how much I am thinking of you right now <3 Hugs.