Mommy dearest

Today I found myself wanting to move back in with my mom.  I am a woman of indecisiveness.  This I am well aware of.  

My mom told me today that she had to quit her job.  She is going for her third back surgery next month and the doctor told her she can not drive a school bus any longer.  She quit Thursday but didn’t tell me until today.  She said she wasn’t sure what she was going to do.  She will obviously have to look for another job once she has the surgery, unemployment won’t help pay the bills forever.  She was told she will be able to collect so that will at least help for a few months.  She is also thinking of renting a room out.  That would gain some money to help pay the mortgage.  Her boyfriend is working steady now but he is in construction and we all know how iffy that field can be.  He may be bringing in money now but in 2 months he could be laid off for a few weeks and then they are screwed.   I told her if it came down to her losing the house I would move in and help out in a heart beat.  

I love where I am living and I love living with Eric.  Not that he and I are messing around or anything, he is seeing someone, but because we grew up together and its comforting having someone who you took baths with and grew up with in the same house as you.  But I always feel out of place and not like it is my house (which obviously it isn’t).  I was this way when I lived with my brother and his family.  It has nothing to do with how anyone acted or treated me, it was purely an illusion in my head.  But I have it here as well.  

A few weeks ago I was thinking how nice it would be to be at my mom’s and on my days off my mom and I could relax together and read in the family room curled up on the sofas – we are very similar when it comes to this stuff.  I dreamt of how it would be to cook fun dinners on the weekends and have people eat them besides me.  How fun it would be to live in a house with an addition that I designed.  

Despite the partying and the drinking she is my mom and I feel bad for her.  I hate that she can’t work.  She has been at her job for 16 years and has had 3 back operations in the last 14.  All because of her job (she hurt her back when she was 18 but the bus driving has reeked havoc on it since).  I am torn.  I don’t want to move again and she doesn’t want me to have to move again.  My vain reasons for not wanting to move in with her are all pushed aside because she may need my help.  I told her I wouldn’t move in if they smoked in the house and she has already made sure it is contained in the back room and if I were to move in, that would be outlawed as well.  

But do I really want to move again?  It would not be anytime soon!  Maybe by the summer which still gives me some months here.  I don’t know.  But I do know that I would be ready to move if she needed me.  And I am sure that once I made that decision and moved in I could change my mind in a few months and be out looking again!