Wednesday, May 13, 2009

You know you're obsessed when...

You're laying in bed at 12:30 and you can't sleep so you decide to blog using your blackberry!


I can't sleep as I've stated already. I've been thinking about what Rhi and I chatted about in chat earlier tonight. School, more specifically, grad school and me going. I'm super stoked to apply and enroll. But I admit I'm almost as scared to go as I am excited. It's a big decision. Not one to be taken lightly. It's also a dream of mine. Not one to be taken lightly. As I jokingly said in chat: rock-me-hard place.

I don't want to throw my health away and I need to be honest with myself that I am no longer the same person as I was a few years ago. My energy is next to nothing and I find myself taking days to recover when it used to take hours. That does not make for an easy grad school career.

However, I also know I am stubborn as a boulder and tolerant to things when I least expect to be. In other words, I'll probably survive the first year maybe two with no issues then start to slack off and eventually find myself sick. Really sick.

But do I see it as worth it?

I LOVE my job, I LOVE my co-workers and I really don't want to leave them and it for school. I also don't want to go to the tx surgery table without at least attempting grad school.

Just more for me to ponder. As it rests now I am thinking of trying a semester with one class and full time work, just to see how I do. If it doesn't work I modify. The only problem with it is all me and my need for organization...I NEED a plan! Scratches on paper does not a plan make. I need concrete plans in order to stress less. I need to take some chill pills ay? :)

Well now that I've eased my mind slightly hopefully I can fall asleep and be well rested for clinic and study appointments tomorrow morning.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry


  1. You do have a plan. You plan to come up with a plan. :)

    There is definitely a lot to think about. Hope you finally got some sleep.


  2. it's a tough decision and i think you've done a pretty good job of laying out the pros and cons.

    one thing i will say (and bear in mind that most people would probably disagree with me here, plus i've been called crazy and foolish by multiple people b/c of some of my own choices): i really don't think that it's worth it to not do things in life just because you think it might make you sick.

    no, i don't mean that you should do everything all the time and not think about the consequences or affects on CF, but i do mean that not pursuing serious life goals b/c of this disease might not be worth it. CF is weird and unpredictable -- you could get sick even if you're on disability, resting all the time, doing 50 treatments a day, and running marathons on the weekends. sure, you don't want to get yourself into a position where you don't have the time or energy to take care of yourself, but none of us lives a completely stress-free life. and i have no idea whether i'd be where i am healthwise if i hadn't gone to law school or whatever, but i do know that then i wouldn't be a lawyer, and that's what i always wanted to be. i definitely don't regret it.

    like we were talking about the other day with our monkey friends -- we don't "make ourselves sick" even if we do sometimes make choices that don't put our bodies 100% first. there's a BIG difference.

    wow, i definitely just wrote my own blog on your blog. just know that whichever decision you make will totally be right for you, babe!

  3. Just my two cents in as plain a way as possible: GO TO GRAD SCHOOL. That's your dream right? Then to me it's a no brainer. Who knows, having a totally strict schedule with no room for error could have positive affects on your health. You'll never know unless you try.

    You control your life and it's decisions, not CF. Failing while trying is A LOT different then failing to even try.

    Do LIFE.


  4. Well I guess I should clarify that I will be going to grad school no matter what. It's the work part I'm unsure of. Rhi and I discussed going on SSDI while taking classes and COBRAing my benefits. Also going out on long term disability while waiting for SSDI to kick, then when it does going back for one day a week to earn a little more money while not going over the max amount you are allowed to earn.

    That is where my sketchiness lies. I'm unsure if I want to leave my job, sure its temporary but I would still feel like I'm screwing them. Not sure why. I'm crazy like that!!

    Piper no worries about the blog I just wrotte another one too!!!

  5. Amy you make me want to accomplish something everyday! Maybe things will just unfold for you...the path will become clear. Sometimes trying to quiet myself and then listening for the answer helps.
    Yeah Ommmmm. I'm not very good at it though!!!
    Hey we are taking a trip to Virginia the end of May and Shawn brought up maybe making a pit-stop in Philly. Neither one of us has been there and we'd love to see you!

  6. Tina if you guys do let me know. You have my cell! I am not going anywhere!!!! :)

  7. I thought about this a lot more after our chat. I really like your idea to try taking one class first and see how it goes - like Ronnie said, maybe having a totally strict schedule could actually be beneficial. And really, you'll never know how your health will hold up until you try it.

    As far as a plan, perhaps you could look at it as a long-term goal (getting the degree), with several short-term goals to get there - you could even make a flow chart that allows for all possible outcomes (say you do really well the first semester - then your next step would be 2 or 3 classes at once OR say you do alright, but feel worn out - then your next step could be working 30 hours a week and 1 class)

    Okay now I'm REALLY being annoying!

    Beyond all the thinking and planning and (annoying) advice, the best person to listen to is yourself; trust your instincts.

  8. LOL know me oh so well already ;)

    I do have a list of possible schedules and the money I would make on each and the amount of classes and exercise I could fit in too. Can we say OCD anyone :)

    Taking it a step farther is a good idea and I may have to pursue that one!

    Thanks for all the comments my lovies!!!!!! =D