Monday, May 10, 2010

Spent, done, take me out back and shoot me please

I don't even know where to start.  I am so unbelievably depressed right now.  I sat at my dining room table looking through papers with the hood on my sweatshirt up hoping it would help hide me from the world.  All I want to do is go to bed and never wake up.

I got more papers in the mail today to fill out for MassHealth.  I still don't have health insurance.  My next appointment is Tuesday the 18th.  I emailed my clinic to see what they think since I have already cancelled once.  I need to go.  I haven't seen a doctor since March 17th and I need to soon.  I have so many questions and things I need to up.  I am running out of meds too and I need refills on some things that I can only get with insurance since they are too high to pay out of pocket.

I signed into my bank account to check on my funds and I am negative.  I transferred over the last $150 from my savings and now I have $42 to last me until I get approved and paid for my long term disability.  I have to call my 2 student loans, credit card and car loan companies tomorrow and tell them I can't pay.  This is the first time in my entire life I have had to do this.  I saw the red balance and I started bawling.

I can't buy food, I can't pick up my prescriptions, I can't get gas for my car.  I am stuck.  And I can't ask Peter to help me.  I already live here free of charge how can I ask him to pay for my things.

Then just to add to the mix, I keep getting a bill for my $50 copay on my last appointment in March, which I paid that day.  I sent the receipt into Children's to show I paid and then today I get yet another bill!  I called all last week because I had gotten one but couldn't get through.  Today I did get through and what do they tell me?  They have no record of me sending in the receipt!  Seriously?

On top if this I am pretty sure I am lactose intolerant so I am trying to change that part of my life style.  And my depression is rearing its ugly head again so I think I need a different med or an add on.  None of which can be done until I see my doctor and get insurance.  I can't stop crying and I can't wake up.  I hate depression and I hate CF.  Life was easier when I worked and I know this was for the better but as I look at my negative bank account and the lack of insurance I wonder if it really IS worth it.


  1. Hey. I am sorry this is happening to you. I know all to well how annoying going through the system can be! If you send me an email of some of the meds you are low on I can check my stock (I have alot of extra meds in my cabinets from when they send me my monthly meds but I might be in the hospital for 3 weeks so I dont use it but they send me next months anyway so I have extra) and if I have anything that you use I would be more than willing to mail some stuff to you to try and hold you over. Let me know. :)

  2. I am so sorry Amy!!! I wish that there was something that I could say to make things better! I know when I am depressed there isn't much that anyone can say. But know that things will get better. You will get insurance and get back on top of things. I hope that you can get out of the depression soon, I know that it is so hard. Love you!!!!


  3. Are you in the medicare disability process??? It has such a long waiting period that I think they are hoping applicants die during the process. I have tons of Creon 20 if you need any of that. I would be willing to send you some too. If you have no or little income. . .have you tried your state medicaid program?? They would cover your meds, doctor appt, and you might also qualify for food stamps. It's worth looking into! Good Luck. Sorry to hear your depressed. . . it's tough! This too will pass :)

  4. Thanks everyone. Jamie, I am in the process of applying for SSDI. I am waiting for my long term disability insurance to accept me, and same with the state medical insurance. I have applied for everything I am just in the throws of the waiting game and it is wearing me down. I thought I would have enough money to keep me afloat until I was approved but never anticipated that LTD would take almost 2 months to get approved! They should tell you these things. And you would thing that short term would roll over into long term, but noooooooo, they want to start it all over again. PIMA!!!!!!

  5. Sorry things are so rough. Keep your head up, though. Block the world out and then let it in when your ready. That's all you can do.

  6. I had a terrible time playing the waiting game with my SSDI. . . it took 6 months after being approved before I started getting monthly checks so I had to continue working part time waiting tables. Then it took 2 years after that to get on social security insurance. I paid $800 month for cobra insurance. . .then got blue shield plan with a $20,000 deductible. I qualified for social security insurance just 3 months before my tx. I understand completely how exhausting and stressful it can be. I will keep you in my prayers! Good Luck. Seriously let me know if you need creons!

  7. I'm so sorry Amy!!!! UGH. I don't even know what to say....I just wish this wasn't happening to you.

    On a positive note, it sounds like you have a time frame of when you'll hear back though. That way this whole situation is not going to be an ongoing black hole...there is light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe, even asking for help from your sweet P for only this 2 month time frame isn't that big a deal. I'm thinking he will understand and want to help you. <3


  8. Amy, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are definitely not alone. I am lucky that, due to my insurance through my employer, my std rolled over to ltd right away and my CPP was quick. Then again...I live in Canada - things are different here.
    I'm thinking of you, I know how hard it is being off work, dealing with your health, finances and at the same time trying to find things to do to keep you sane.
    I'll be on msn tonight if you need to talk.


  9. Oh Im so sorry that youre feeling like this. Depression i can empathize with and in my opinion there isnt a lot anyone can say to help when your mind is so low! Just try to keep your head above water hon, because this crap patch will pass, like all the others im sure you must have had before.
    Thinking of you, and though i dont understand the system over there i hope all your insurances etc come through very soon! Keep your chin up xxxx