Yesterday we lost 2 CFers. Both young. I knew one of the women, but had only heard of the other. Either way, when a CFer dies, it hurts. And when you think how healthy they were and how they declined so rapidly, it scares you.
Right now, I am healthy. I may have days that I feel like utter shit and want to crawl into a hole and die, but for the most part I feel fairly good. I can function fairly well, I can do house work, I can socialize. These are all good indicators, to me, that I am well. But I worry about THAT infection that could knock me on my ass and leave me helpless, or even worse, dead.
This has happens with quite a few CFers. Fairly healthy, chugging along and then WHAM! That infection hits and they are super ill, hospitalized, vented and sedated. And then the worst happens, they pass. These people that were up and "running" around just 6 weeks prior are now laid to rest.
Its truly scary. When that happens you see yourself, you see you in their place. Healthy and then sick. Happy and then dead. That is the uncertainty with CF. You just never know when you will get the infection that could kill you. It still hasn't sunk in with me and I try not to think about it at all. But it is hard when you watch someone go through with it. When you watch someone with the same disease as you decline and pass. You can not help but think about your own mortality. It's inevitable.
And in a way it makes you treasure and value everything you have even more. I stood on my back porch today and looked around at the blue sky, the bright sun, the green grass and my amazing boyfriend and felt so happy that I was there, where I should be. We spent the day out and about enjoying the 85 degree weather, with the top down on the jeep, driving to the beach and enjoying pizza and ice cream with his daughter. I treasure these days because one day, I will be like the above mentioned and not be able to talk, walk or function.
Don't forget to treasure your loved ones too, and appreciate just what it is that you have in life!