Monday, December 7, 2009

did way too much this weekend

I definitely did way too much this weekend. I had a blast, but I overdid it. I feel like crud today. My throat hurts, I’m exhausted and my voice is going. I’m still “recovering” from my weekend in Boston and now I added to the mix. It sucks, CF sucks. I want it to go away. And the sad thing is I will never “recover”. Not in the sense that most people would. I’ll never get that sleep back; I’ll never get the energy back.

God I hate CF! I can’t even enjoy a weekend, a NIGHT, celebrating with my friends without CF rearing its ugly head. It’s messed up. Ok, Ok, I know there are many people out there who can do much less than I so I should just suck it up, but I don’t wanna. I’m grouchy and tired today and I deserve the right to bitch about it. So kiss my ass, k?

In case you couldn’t tell I am having a bad day. I’m just down and depressed and want to crawl under my covers until at least Saturday (my raffle is Saturday and Sunday is my God daughter’s Christening). All the death, the exhaustion, everything is catching up with me.

Next Wednesday is my clinic appointment and I am going to ask if he can just write me out of work from now on. I can’t do it anymore. I am so tired all the time, and it’s not like I can get any more sleep. I need to start doing 3 treatments a day so I can stay healthy – 3 FULL treatments, not half assed ones like I am known to do. I need to get on the ball with everything. I can’t slack anymore. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to everyone else. I am still alive, I am still fighting. I bet every one of my friends that lost their lives would want that opportunity back. I can’t let it go to waste. I need to stop starting my sentences with “I”s (needed some humor haha!).

My New Year’s resolution is going to be to take better care of myself. I want to start now. I don’t want to get sick and die. And it’s not like anyone can say “oh stop worrying, you’ll be fine”. Because truth is, we haven’t a clue. No one can ever really know when CF will strike hard. It’s a total waiting game. CF really does suck the life out of you…


  1. Sigh, I know this is probably just the prednisone talking, but everytime I hear about someone overdoing it I think of Jenn's blog post right before she went into the hospital about how we all "kill ourselves trying to keep up with the 'normal' folk."

    HUGS to you, Amy. I know it's been a rough couple of weeks and we're all kind of flailing around trying to regain our balance. Good luck getting things figured out with work, and kudos to you on the new resolutions re: treatments. I hope you can keep those lungs HEALTHY! Then in 10-20 years when you do need a transplant I can be there to cheer you through the recovery!

  2. Its so true! We push ourselves to the limits!

    I hope to make it 5 years with these air bags then I want new. 20 yrs of how I feel now might make me jump off a cliff haha!!! And you dam well will be cheerin on my recovery cause!! :)

  3. Bah. Stupid Blog Spammers.

    On another note, please don't beat yourself up for not "keeping up", or for complaining, or for both! I am in AWE of how you (and Piper, for that matter) keep/kept up the workload AND health maintenance AND a social life at the lung function you do; I struggle with all three as it is and I'm inspired (and humbled) that you do it all as long as you have where you are! You have a right to relax, put yourself and your health first, and yeah, even have a little fun in the process! :o)

  4. Thanks Jess!!!

    I don't know how I did it for so long but I think a lot of it kept me healthy. Plus denial is a key player in there ;)

  5. Hang tight, girl. CF sucks - there's no 2 ways about it.


    FIGHT ON in 2010!