Sunday, December 6, 2009

Yet another friend lost to CF

We lost yet another CFer. This time a huge person in our world. Paul. Q. Donor Q.

God when will it end? I was so shocked when I first heard the news I didn’t cry. It has been 3 friends in 10 days. Isn’t that against nature, against the laws? How can we loose so many so fast?

I spoke with 3 friends on the phone that I had never done before. And for anyone that knows me you know this is huge. I HATE the phone. But I talked to these people because we lost Paul. We lost him. I talked with him a lot. Not as much these last few months as I had done before. He used to be online at 5:30am when I was nebbing for work. We would chat a bit. He always spoke so well and half the time I could never understand him (LOL). But that was Paul. He was so intelligent and educated he made you feel almost dumb. But not in a bad way. I always wanted to learn more so I could be half as smart as him.

Last night my friends and I took our one friend to Atlantic City for her 30th birthday. We had a fabulous time! I managed to forget about all my deceased friends for a bit. I toasted them in the beginning of the night and then moved on. However, by 3:30 am I was exhausted and ready for bed. My patience was wearing thin and my mind was not as able to fight off bad thoughts. We had this small group of guys around us in the club. Totally harmless, they just wanted to dance. Once guy decided I was going to be his target. I just laughed at him. I wasn’t dancing (dam my CF lungs!). He wouldn’t leave me alone until I explained WHY I wasn’t dancing. Then he backed off, the dancing anyway. He decided to give me a lap dance later on. I just laughed. But then he picked me up and started to swing me around. BAD IDEA. I don’t deal well with that. Both L and K were like “oh shit he is done for”. I finally got him to put me down when he saw the fire in my eyes. I was fine, but his friend asked if I was ok, then my friends asked. I started to cry. Just small tears and no one saw. I made them stop. But the deaths and the night caught up with me. If I had been alone I would have bawled like a baby and I even thought of going to the ladies room and letting it out. But I didn’t have waterproof mascara and I didn’t want to walk around looking like a raccoon!

I haven’t bawled for Courtney, Ginger or Paul yet. I will. I know I will. I have cried a few tears, but that is all. One day it will all come out and I will sob like I haven’t in a bit. Perhaps when I get back to Boston to see Peter…I can cry when I see him, let it all out then.

I am asking all of you to tell the ones you love that you love them. You have no idea when you may loose them.


  1. I haven't cried either. To be perfectly honest, I'm not really good at the whole accepting thing. Two other CFers, from the UK also died recently. I don't think I'll ever be ok with this.

    CF just needs to give us all a break! *Hugs* Xx

  2. A big hug to you Amy...
    You spoke the right words about Paul.. I also, have not talked to him since about spring I think, other then a few small talks on facebook... It was spring when he really said goodbye to me. I will forever remember our talks.

    I have had tears.. but didn't really cry... It's like I don't want to know. This is a very, very bad year.

  3. This has been a tough season. I hope that when you do cry, its tears of happiness because they don't have to fight anymore (although I'm sure Paul will have a few words with the authorities up there!). I hope it brings a bit of relief.

  4. sorry Amy about Paul!! Hang in there. I think sometimes we are so shocked by them passing that it doesn't quite hit at that exact moment. I know with me, I tend to cry at random times and sometimes not until days or weeks later. At least these CFers are no longer suffering, but it's still hard to let them go!

  5. I hate the phone too Amy lol. I had no idea what I was going to say to you but had to call. I'm glad i did.

    Paul mentioned to me many times how he enjoyed chatting with you. H e would ask me every time we chatted have you read Amy's status today? and I'd say no why is she ok lol. I always wondered why he kept asking me that. One day I asked him why are you always asking me about Amy's status? He said he loved your updates lol he said sometimes he would wait for them because it was like a story unfolding and so many people responded. After this I started paying attention and he was right lol you can tell many stories in a day girl :).

    Not that i didn't care before i guess I just missed your updates but I always go to your page and check them now haha. This was just one of the many things he said about your facebook page lol. He really enjoyed reading what you wrote.

  6. So sorry you had a bad night out. It has been a rough few weeks-- I am feeling kinda numb with all the deaths.

    I am just hoping Melissa pulls out of her scariness.

    You don't like to talk on the phone???? I don't either. One of the things I dread about daily life.

  7. Awe Kara you made me cry :) I never knew that!

    Yeah I wasn't sure what I was going to say when I called Cindy to tell her or when Lindsey called me but sometimes you just have to do it.

    Thanks for all the responses everyone :)