Friday, February 20, 2009

I have issues

I’m stuck in between a rock and a hard place.  I felt frustrated and annoyed this morning.  Maybe it was the past 4 weeks worth of events that have set me off again who knows.  3 deaths in 3 weeks.  The day after each funeral the next one passed.  I am hoping this is the set of 3s.  Though I did not personally know 2 of them they still hurt.  We lost one police officer in my township, the day after his funeral Jenn died.  The day after Jenn’s funeral we lost another police officer in Philly.  Today was his funeral.  Will someone else pass tomorrow?  Just so odd to me.  But perhaps not.

Then of course my Maggie is sick.  She threw up on Tuesday night and had the shits but seemed ok and Wednesday morning she ate and pooped fine.  So I thought nothing of it.  I came home from work Tuesday to find her pooped all over my room, wet my bed and threw up a few times.  But the poop was “normal”.  I was not too worried yet since she was still eating fine and acting normal.  Then yesterday, I come home from work to find my room covered in bloody poop and throw up.  I immediately called the vet and they told me to bring her right in.  I did so.  The vet thinks it is just a virus since she is acting ok.  They did some blood work and gave her IV fluids since she didn’t want Maggie drinking or eating last night.  I also got some anti-diarrhea meds to give her.  $400 later and we went home.  She has been fine today, no throwing up and no pooping nasty goo.  She is sleeping on my lap as I write.  My mom checked on her a few times today to make sure she was ok, since I was to bring her right back in if she continued the way she was. 

Then there is me and my tummy issues this past week.  I don’t know what I ate but my stomach has been on the fritz since Monday.  Still is.  My diet hasn’t changed and I haven’t forgotten to take my enzymes any more than normal.  Maybe Maggie and I are having sympathy shits together (TMI but sorry!).  To add to that my nose has been on the weird side too.  I can trigger nose bleeds from coughing and do so sometimes, but this past week I have had 3!!!!!  That is more than I have had all year.  Last year I had maybe 3-4! 

That of course brings me to the true intent of this blog.  The reason for the rock and hard place.  It is my heath I talk of, in case anyone has been living under said rock and hasn’t a clue.  I find myself wishing I was sicker than I am.  Nuts huh?  But its like I just want to get to transplant so I can start living again and get the wait over with.  Sounds crazy I know.  I don’t want to exercise and maybe bring my FEV1 up 5%.  That won’t get me anywhere.  I need like 20%+ to do what I want to do and to truly feel like I am living.  And then I feel like a total bitch because some of my fellow Cystics are struggling everyday to breathe and would give anything to have 40% back.  

I do appreciate where I am.  I do appreciate that I can still work and that I can still function.  I just hate the “when will I crash” that seems to infect me.  I live everyday wondering if today I will cough up insane amounts of blood.  Or if one of my lungs will collapse.  Or if I will just do something wacky and CF related and be out of commission for a while.  It’s so hard to explain.  And I don’t feel like this every day.  Just a lot recently. 

All these overwhelming emotions hit me on the turnpike this morning.  I was thinking how most likely my office will be the last place I work before I die or get a transplant.  It made me sad.  Not because I don’t love my job and the people I work with but because I am 28 years old and I am thinking of that.  Because it is a reality.  Then in the same breath I hear a commercial on the radio about getting your teaching certificate in 12 months to teach secondary school and I find myself wanting to look into it.  WTF is wrong with me?!?! 

UGH I am a mess.  And for no real good reason.  I shall go finish off my book, sleep well, purchase a new needle tomorrow and continue my crochet lessons. 

Good night and sleep well my blog loving friends.


  1. Sorry Amy! It has just been one of those weeks.

  2. Im sorry dear!!
    I hope you sleep well and have a better day tomorrow!!

  3. Aww hugs to you Amy. What crazy month you have had. All the emotions. Sometimes I think like you, like wanting the tx to come sooner. But then I think do I really want a tx, or what if for some odd reason I can't get one. And for me, I dont really work, so I find myself wondering if I ever will work again. Its all so frustrating at times.

    Hang in there, tomorrow will hopefully be a better day!

  4. Such a strange paradox - we want to get new lungs and finally breathe normally, but the only chance in hell we have of actually being considered a candidate for tx is to take mad care of ourselves, which, in turn, only delays tx further!

    Then there is work - we CAN work, but how much life is it stealing from us to do so? When it's all you can do to drag yourself out of bed, just to drag yourself to the office, just to drag yourself through the day, only to come home and only have enough energy left to eat, neb, and go back to sleep - you start to wonder, 'what kind of life IS this?'

    I think I have issues, too, LOL


  5. Boo for sick dogs and crazy mixed-up feelings! I'm right there with you though, so at least we can all have issues

    I think Rhi put it best in a comment to my blog when she said that in order to want a transplant, we have to convince ourselves to be excited about it. After all, you're not going to let them perform that kind of surgery if you don't believe life will be better afterwards. But in getting excited about it, we then have to try and delay it, so basically we're left in the weird position of wanting something but still having to jump through a bunch of hoops to make sure that the very thing we want doesn't happen. And um, sorry, don't mean to complain to the all-knowing doctor gods or anything, but that seems like a very f-ed up system to me.

    Anyway, now I've paid you back for the novel you left on my blog ;) Hope you start feeling a little more centered soon. Even more importantly I hope your pup heals quickly. She has to come hang with Sammy soon so she can't be sick!

  6. Until we started blogging My husband felt the same way most days. the only other CFer he knew was his brother who doesn't take care of himself to well. We all hav issues CF or no CF. it's what makes us human. You have to tast the bad for you to know what's good. I am so sorry you go through so much crap but it is nice to know that Josh is not alone.

  7. For what it's worth, I don't think you're having issues. You want to be healthy. You want to do more in your life.

    I can't think of anything that's closer to normal than that!!!!

    It's unique to be 28 and dealing with health issues like yours, and facing tx/trying to work/just trying to live.

    You are as normal as normal can get. Don't beat yourself up. You are just being you. <3

  8. hey amy, from a fellow cfer to another i know exactly how you feel. last year i was put on the transplant list cause i kept getting admitted and getting infections. i was actually kind of happy knowing that i might have a normal chance at life. that was actually a month into my relationship with my now ex. well i was the happiest i had ever been and by sept. i was able to get off the list. i gained around ten lbs and my pft's got better. not good enough though to do the things i love to do like run and swim on end. just keeping up with my friends while walking is a task. plus i wear oxygen to sleep and workout. so i know how you feel, sometimes i just want to tell them put me on the list, i dont care about the risks, i want one day of being just sort of normal. lol. i hope your feeling better!! xoxo.

  9. Hey Amy... First of all I think you are a really cool erson, obviously I don't know you, but just by what I have read. I also want you to know that you are definitely not alone, I thought I was the only one "wanting" to be more sick. I know that sounds funny but I want to be normal and run with my b/f. I still can't wrap my mind around being the healthiest sick person in order to get new lungs, I haven't figured it out I either want to be sick and get it over with or healthy and run like the wind. About the job thing I have been working at the same place for 7 years and now I am taking on another career, maybe I'm crazy but what have I got to lose. I hope your week goes well. Write back if you want to chat. ~August