So flipping frustrated!

WTF am I to do?

I am going on vacation in 2 weeks... to Disney world with a few of my friends. We have had this planned since December. My mom has known about it since then. She is ALWAYS the one that watches my dog for me when I go away or get hospitalized. So today for some reason I mentioned it and she told me she doesn't want to watch her! WTF? So I asked "should I just leave her home alone for a week?" and got no response.

She never had any issues watching her until her fucking boyfriend started bitching about her. She just turned 14 on Thursday. She is blind as a bat and she doesn't always make it to the door when she has to pee. But hello she is 14 years old!!!!!

She still wants me to put her down. Well fuck you! I would rather put YOU down you bitch. Can you tell I am beyond pissed? Maggie is the happiest dog I know. She is not lethargic, or sick, or anything except blind. That is no reason to put her down. If she had cancer or something like that then yeah I would, but she isn't suffering so fuck off. She is my child, my life. How would my mom feel if someone told her to put ME down? She wouldn't like it now would she?

UGH I am so angry I wanna scream!!!!!! NOW you all see why I had no desire to live there. I also commented that she got what she wanted and I'm not moving in with Maggie anymore to which she replied "well what does Eric think about Maggie moving in?" All snotty of course. I told her the truth, that he doesn't care, he likes her. So there eat that mom.

I need to drink tonight. If I turn into an alcoholic you will all know why. That woman does it to me!

Mosiac Me

THANKS LISA!!!!

Here is how to make your own!


Type your answer to each of the following questions into Flickr search. Using only the images that appear on the first page, choose your favorite image then copy and paste each the URL's into the mosaic maker (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php) (3 columns, 4 rows).

Here are the questions:

What is your first name? (Amy)
What is your favorite food? (cheesesteak)
What high school did you attend? (Neshaminy High School)
What is your favorite color? (Red)
Who is your celebrity crush? (Brad Pitt)
Favorite drink? (Milk)
Dream vacation? (Rome)
Favorite dessert? (Lemon meringue pie)
What do you want to be when you grow up? (interior designer)
What do you love most in life? (My dog Maggie)
One word to describe you? (alive)
Your Flickr name? (bittyhorse)

***I tried posting the links of where I found these pictures on Flickr but for some reason when I post the link Flickr gives me it fucks up my whole blog. So sorry I'm not adding it!!!! HAHA***

Phillies Game

We went to the Phillies game last night and holy cow what a fricking game!!!! It went 13 inings and lasted 5 hours and 25 minutes!!!! We left at the top of the 12th. It was midnight and we were exhausted. All that screaming and yelling and clapping wore us out! So we listened to it on the ride home and screamed when we WON!!!!! It was great! We were down 7-0 until the 4th ining when we started getting runs and they stopped. So we won 8-7! Eat that METS!!!!!! HAHAHA!!

me eating my cotton candy:

Stupid fricking depression

Ugh I am so freaking depressed today and I have no idea why. I was a bummed mess yesterday too but I chalked it up to not enough sleep Saturday night. That and the single ladies did not get hit on AT ALL at the bar Saturday night. That in itself is depressing. Though all the guys were like 25 and younger, it still doesn’t help the ego. Especially when you deck yourself all out for ladies night and think you look fantastic. Oh well. Boys are stupid anyway!

Of course yesterday I was also nauseous to the point where I was gagging. I think it was lack of sleep too. After I napped for over an hour I felt a little better in the tummy. I was super excited I went to bed at 9pm, only to be awoken at 12:15 by P. haha. It’s all good. I went back to sleep around 2am so of course today I am all tired again. And I have the Phillies game tomorrow night so I know sleep will be lacking again tomorrow night. And to top it off I woke up 45 minutes late this morning! That meant in order to get to work on time I had to skimp on my treatments which meant no Vest, Pulmozyme or Tobi. I’m just in one of those moods where I want to cry and be left alone. Perhaps I will sleep well and not be so miserable tomorrow…fingers crossed because I don’t want to be a grump for the game!

Oh so to the funny part of the evening last night. As P. and I were sitting on my sofa, my phone rings. Guess who? B. (THE ex), from Vegas. It’s freaking 1am by this point and of course I didn’t answer! I was like you have got to be kidding me?! P. asked if it was a booty call to which I replied no he is just a friend, calling drunk from Vegas. Turns out B. accidently hit the call button on his phone. Figures right?! So now P. probably thinks I am seeing someone else too, which could be good or bad.

Its days like yesterday and today that I long for a man to curl up with. Someone to hold me, and just let me be grumpy and cry on his shoulder. I know someday I will get that, but right now I guess I just have to settle for crying to my dog.

I had myself a nice little cry on the way home from work. People on the turnpike must think I am crazy sobbing my eyes out as I maneuver lanes. I began to think of things that would make me feel better, which in turn led to me thinking about those things which I miss. Yes I miss plenty, but to narrow it down to the things that I miss by being single. It’s like pouring salt into an open wound but hell I need to let it all out!

What I miss by being single:
- No one to share my day with
- No one to come home to
- No one to wrap my arms around and never let go
- No one to hold me and just let me cry and not have to say a word because sometimes all we need is to just be held
- No one that cares how my day was and asks me about it
- No one that loves me
- No one to kiss me on the forehead and say “baby I love you”

I know there are more things but these are the only emotional ones I can fathom right now. My heart is hurting and so is my head. There is no rhyme or reason for it yet again. Alas it is just my depressed self.

Photoshoped New Do

Gotta love Photoshop!!!!

This is me with my new hair cut - if I were to get it. Once you get past that fact that it looks like it is pasted on my head you kind of get the idea of how I would look....Hmmmmmm

New Hair cut?

I got my hair cut last weekend and it looks like this now:

but I really want to have it look like this. I am just a little nervous I will not be able to pull it off!!!
What do you think?????
I'm afraid my face might be too round for it????

Riding

Riding
It's a way of life
Nothing feels so great
Nothing feels so right
All day everyday

New day
Smell the fresh dew
The fields green
The sky blue
Horse everywhere

Show time
It's still dark out
Fresh clothes
Clean Tack
Smell the leather cleaner

I won
Look at me, look at me
Blue ribbons
Red ribbons
That means Champion

Life
Live only for riding
Your heart
Your soul
Till the last dew drop falls

Love and Baggage

Why was it so hard
To let go of all that Baggage
To open up my heart
And let these feelings ravage

What will I do now
That I let the floodgates open
Just keep on pretending
And let the tears fill an ocean

Tell me who was that man
That made me face my fears
The one that I saw clearly
Despite the abundance of my tears

Where did he come from
This great man that I found
Who tore in my life completely
But left without a sound

How did he manage to get here
And into my closed-tight heart
Filling it with love and trust
Before he tore it apart

Oh when will I realize
That life is full of pain
That this love is overrated
And will drive me to insane

Will I Ever?

When I look into my past
I see the carefree girl in me
When I look into my future
I see the woman I want to be

Ask me how I’ll get there
And I’ll answer I’m not too sure
Ask me when I’ll get there
And I’ll answer when there’s a cure

So much has happened in my past
That shaped who I am today
But it scares me to death to think
That I will always be this way

Too afraid to open up completely
Too scared to be alone
Unsure of where my heart should be
Not willing to throw him a bone

Someday it will all change
That’s what everyone says to me
But I have yet to see this happen
Someone please set me free

All I want is to be happy
All I want is to be in love
But how can I get those great things
With these feelings I can’t get rid of

They infect me like a virus
Feasting on my emotions to the core
Destroying everything in their path
Not letting me live anymore

Ode to TOBI

How I loathe thee Tobi
In all possible ways
The tightness
The taste
A never ending 28 days

Meant to be good for me
Fighting that deadly infection
Attcking
Destroying
All part of natural selection

I dread that intial week
Pushing it back, delying the pain
Gasping
And struggling
All my efforts put forth in vain

Each breath is a reminder
Of what I stand to lose
Mocking
Jabbing
Ignoring is of no use

At last the course is over
My struggles come to an end
Such relief
Such joy
My lungs can start to mend

I absolutely LOVE my job!

I am so freaking excited I don’t know where to start!! That’s a lie I do haha!!!

I emailed my HR person today at work to set up a meeting so she and I can go over all the details about going part time. She sent back that she would set it up and asked when I was thinking of starting. So I told her December 1st or January 1st. She emailed me back saying that she wasn’t sure what I had in mind but if I were to work 4-9 hours days (36 hours) and take a day off during the week I would still be considered full time! Can you believe it?!?! SO I can work full time, still get my health insurance and a full day off to rest – which I will be taking Wednesdays since it is the middle of the week. She is still going to set up the meeting since I have a few questions about that and the future. But I will be able to tell my DR and I know he is gonna be so super excited too!!! Then a little later my boss (who I had my review with), came up to me and told me that the HR person had told him what she and I talked about and that he was going to send her stuff to send to me and that they will do whatever it takes to work this out with me. They are willing to work completely!! I know he said it during the review but now I can see it being implemented. It is such a great feeling!!!

I almost cried when I read this. I know it seems so petty and small but to be able to keep my health insurance and not have to COBRA it is a huge deal! Also, it means that I can definitely move in with my friend.

I went to his house on Sunday to talk about it and I am in. It works out well because his soon to be ex-wife took almost all the furniture so all he has is a TV and recliner in the living room and a sofa and TV in the basement. So I can put my furniture in the living room. The bedrooms are tiny but there are 4 and 2 bathrooms. And he doesn’t mind Maggie. We grew up together and he has been around her forever so he is fine with her. I will just gate her in my bedroom when I go to work just in case she has an accident. It is also good because I won’t need to stay there a full year like I would with an apartment, just in case something happens health-wise with me.

I also had a lunch meeting with our other designer today and the intern to go over what we want to offer as far as interior services. We have a great list going and I can’t wait until the department is completely set up so we can start working on more projects. I love it!!! An interior design department in my office and I am on the team that is starting it up. It can’t get any better!!!! Did I mention that I love my job right now hahahaha!!!!

It seems that everything is falling into place finally. I hope it stays this way for a long long time!!!

This is why I am crazy

Sometimes I drive myself bonkers!!! Today is feeling like one of those days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I stopped at my moms this morning on my way to the bank and to get my hair cut so I could throw in a load of wash. The living room always smells like smoke. They smoke in there though they claimt hey won't when I move in.

So left and came back after my running around to put the wet clothes in the dryer. I walked in and BOTH of them were smoking. Feeling annoyed and rather congested today, I said (in a bitchy voice no less) "you're not gonna smoke in the house when I move in, right?" To which my mom replied "no", then said even bitchier than me, "ya know". You have to know my mom to get that last statement. She says it when she is pissed and emphasizes the "know" portion. Basically stating that its her house and she will do what she pleases - IMO of course!

But its shit like that which pisses me off to no end! HELLO your daughter has a serious lung issue and has to move in with you because it is getting worse and she can't work full time. Maybe NOT smoking in the house where she comes and will be living would be a smart idea!!!!

My DR has told her she needs to quit. I have given her numerous articles and such to get her to quit. She just won't do it. She says she needs to because she gets stressed and she will get fat if she quits smoking. Fuck that? Who the hell cares? Maybe not killing your daughter would be enough of a reason to stop?!?!

I'm tempted to tell her that I won't move in unless they both quit but I can see that back firing on me. Though a friend of mine is getting divorced and he needs a roommate to help with the house. I will see him tonight at a party so maybe he and I can discuss this. He is like a brother to me, we grew up together. And he doesn't smoke.

Ahhh, such is the life of the sick and single. Oh and the confused!!!!

<3

I have a degree!

I know, I graduated with my BS in December but it didn't hit me until yesterday. I finally framed my diploma. It looks great. Just a cheapie one from AC Moore, no matting, just basic frame. I wanted to put it up at work so I wanted it to be relatively small so it would fit on my desk under the shelving (I will take a picture someday). All week I have had it in my car debating on whether or not to bring it inside. I felt weird carrying a frame into work, though many people do have their degrees hung too. Well Friday I finally did it. It was our work picnic so I had a bag to carry in with me. I just put the frame in there. I re-arranged my desk to get it to fit and so it would be visible and not sitting behind my computer screen. It looks great! I was so pleased with it. I sat just staring at it for a few minutes relishing in the fact that I have a bachelor's degree. Me, who got my AA in 2001 and never thought she would actually ever finish. Me who has two thousand ideas a year of what to do with her life actually finished one!

It felt wonderful looking at my accomplishment, next to my computer and some hand drafting I have hanging. To see my hard work and sleepless nights really did pay off. I may not have made it to the ceremony (thanks to being hospitalized) but I was there in spirit. I walked down that aisle in my mind and took hold of that piece of paper that says I finished something. It's a magnificant feeling!!!!

Now to decide if I take the ID registration and LEED AP exams haha!!!!

Fake blogger/blog

I don't know where I stand on this whole Pepe/Gina issue. A huge part of me wants to believe she is who she says she is. I want to think that someone would not fraud a world like this and claim they are as sick as she is. I admit, when I first started keeping track of her blog I was suspicious. Things just didn't "feel" right. But I kept my thoughts to myself or to a very few close friends. Then she recieved her transplant and I was hopeful she was real, it felt real to me. But now I am back to where I was previously...do I believe or do I not? We have chatted with her in chat and Q (Paul) also. I donated money to her Wii fund. Was it worth it? I hope I didn't send money to someone who did not need it. I hope that she is truly Gina and has CF and has had a double lung tx. Not because I want someone to go through all this suffering but because I don't want to believe there are people out there that would do such an unimaginable thing. Pepe is the reason many CFers were kicked off of cf.com. They stood up for her and were banned (the way they stood up got them banned). I hope with all my heart that these people were not banned for absolutely no reason. Many of us followed suit because of the way things were handled, I dont't regret leaving. However, I will regret some of the things I thought about some people on that site because of things that they had said. Perhaps they were right in their thinking and we were all wrong? Will I loose some friends from this blog? Perhaps, but if so then oh well. I have read many many blogs written about this, others opinions, what others have found. I am still up in the air.

I do not know whether to believe Pepe and ignore the other posts/blogs or whether to believe the other blogs and not her. I need proof to believe Pepe, the other blogs have given proof she may be a fake. Please Pepe, show us proof that you are REAL.

read for yourself if you want:
http://exposetrolls.blogspot.com/

Pepe's blog is no longer active and neither is Paul's. Both blogs have to invite their readers to view it. Because of this I have deleted their blogs from my blogs list. Gina has also deleted her facebook profile. I was friend's with her, now it is gone. To me that makes it seem like she is at fault.

I don't think that Q has anything really to do with this. He may have been getting bad info from Gina, who knows. I stand behind Q still until I am told that he is in on the scam if there is one.

I hope this all comes to a head eventually and soon. The CF world has so many issues already, why add any more to it. We suffer enough there is no reason for us to suffer because we have be decieved.

Thank You

Review today

Today went really well. I was supposed to have my review yesterday but my boss forgot about a meeting he had out of town so we postponed it for today at lunch. Worked out well because I was quite grumpy yesterday. So today we went to lunch at a pizza place. They had delicious food!!!! So yummy and B paid, yay!

The low down: They are super excited to have me back. I was complimented on my intuition and efficiency at getting things accomplished. They also like that I can bounce from one project to another and not skip a beat. It makes me very versatile and able to help out wherever it is needed. I mentioned how I would like to get involved more with our other interior designer so that she and I can do the ID work when it comes up. They both agreed that it is a great idea and told me to talk to her. She is working on coming up with a scope of work that the firm can offer as far as interior design services. We are going to be offering basic services and we want to highlight just what we can do in the office. So she and I are meeting next Tuesday to go over a bunch of stuff. And I may be getting moved back to her area so that we are working in the same cubby instead of on different sides of the office. It will be nice because everyone I work with is on the other side haha!!!

I did get a raise which would definitely help me move out on my own. However…I had a few ideas and it was discussed at my review as well. I mentioned that my DR would prefer me working part time. I also said that I wasn’t too keen on the idea but I was considering it. Both S and B said that they would rather have me working 3 days a week consistently than having me work 5 days a week and being out for a few weeks every so many months. It was also discussed about the possibility of getting a newer, licensed version of CAD on my home computer so I can work from home if the need arises. This is just a thought, not necessarily going to happen. But B did mention it so it is nice to see him willing to work with me. It was actually the highlight of the review. I definitely feel welcomed and needed which is great. I have no worries about them willing to work with me in the future. It is one weight that is lifted.

Now on to more that relates to all this. Last night I noticed that my sputum is once again getting darker. This means my PA is flaring up more, oh joy. I have only been back to work three weeks and it isn’t even cold/flu season yet. So last night, as I was lying in bed contemplating what to do with my future, I realized a few things. There is absolutely NO reason why I shouldn’t move in with my mom. Ok so I am worried about all their friends, and losing my independence, but if I continue to run myself into the ground it will be taken from me without my consent. At least now I still have some say in my health; I can “control” it so to speak. I am in the process of making a pro/con list so I can see exactly why I should suck it up and live at home again. Don’t get me wrong, I am a nervous wreck about moving back home and giving up some of my freedoms, but I also know that there will be plenty of positives that come along with it all. If Roshelle taught me anything it is that we can set our paths and control some things. Even if it is very small it may be worthwhile. Having the choice to work part time or full time, and taking part time is much more desirable than being forced to work part time.

So I guess that is it for now. Overall it was a pretty good day. My pinched nerve in my neck is still here causing me headaches and nauseous-ness. But eventually that will go away...

From one CFer to another

I just read that a friend of mine (CFer that is) is now on O2 during the day as well as at night. It broke my heart to read this. I worry about her constantly and don't want to see her go downhill. I hope that she can bring her health up some so she can go back to just O2 at night.

To my friend, I love you and I am praying for you. Great Big Hugs from one coast to the other!!!!!!

<3

Today's happenings

Today was our Habitat charette. There were a fair amount of people that showed up which was nice! Some good plans and some ok plans. I liked my plan a lot until I realized I forgot a mechanical room and laundry area haha! Figures! But I can squeeze some things around and get it in. We decided to break into two teams since there were two distinct plan ideas. One set was side entry plans, the other was front entry. I am on the front entry team. We are going to get together again September 19th and do the same thing. Our teams each need to have a plan, four elevations and a site plan with the building on it. Not too bas especially since there are 5 people on a team. I am excited!!!

In other news…tomorrow is my review yay!!!! I can’t wait! I will definitely be updating tomorrow with what happens!

In more other news…S from work bought me a book! We were talking about it last week I think and I said I would try it. Well he brought it in yesterday for me and said he got it for me. How sweet!!! It is called the “Devil in the white city”. Its history and architecture related. I can’t wait to start reading it. He is so nice!!!!! I love working with him. I am so glad they are letting me again. There was a joke going around that I wasn’t allowed because every time I worked with him I ended up in the hospital! It was just coincidence I think haha! But he does a lot of the schematic design work which is what I love doing. All the fun drafting and rendering. Yeah sign me up!!!!

I don’t know if it is just me or if they are trying to hype me all up I just don’t know, but I feel like everyone at work is praising me more than usual. Well I know they are I just don’t know why. Now don’t get me wrong I am basking in the “Awesome job” and “excellent work” phrases that are being told to me. I just wonder why now? I have been doing the same work before. I don’t know, maybe I am just over thinking haha!

What else, let’s see….Oh I got my period on Monday and I have been super happy ever since!! Haha! Maybe it is PMDD????? And I called Planned Parenthood today to schedule my Mirena insertion and yeah they haven’t ordered it yet! WTF??? They have had 2 months and they didn’t order it yet??? It has to be put in when you have your period. So now I have to wait another month and most likely I will be in Disney so I will have to wait 2 more months. I just want it in!! Not like I am having major sex or anything but I want to get it in and get the smaller lighter periods starting haha!!

Thats all for tonight!

Unhappy

I hate being miserable. It is not becoming on me. I should smile, people tell me all the time I have a great smile. But today is one of those days where I am miserable. Actually I was happy up until a few hours ago. Dam mood swings. I have been wondering for some time now if I have PMDD. I decided to keep track since alot of the symptoms are things I experience a week before I get my period. All of my recent emotional breakdowns (these are categorized by uncontrollable crying and feeling deperate) happened the week before I got my period. Then once I get it I am good, I feel great. I actually PRAY for my period to come so that I can be happy again. This has been going on for years!!! Every month I wish this. But it just dawned on me recently that maybe it is more than just PMS. I'm gonna keep track for the next 3 months and see how things go. if I notice a pattern (which I am bound to see) then I will be mentioning it to my OB. I'm already on anti-depressants so what they can do for me is beyond me.

Great, possible one more thing to add to my list. Oh yay!

I'm a day late and a dollar short...

...but oh well haha!!!

I was thinking yesterday morning, as I was showering for work, how much I love what I am doing at work right now. I have been doing A LOT of initial design work for new projects. This is what I love more than putting out construction document sets. I love the sketching and brainstorming that comes with new ideas. I love using an entire roll of trace just to come up with one or two awesome ideas. It is great to see what can develop from 4 hours worth of scribbling. Then once the ideas are agreed upon, I sit down and hand draft them into beautiful pieces of artwork. Seeing your finished project in a presentation is an amazing feeling. To know that you drew that up and made it look like that is the greatest feeling in the world. And then when people tell you it looks great you feel even better!!!

All that blissful thinking got me daydreaming about working for my dream company. The one that I can’t work at yet because my health is too shitty to put in all the overtime and deal with the hassle of the long commute to Philly everyday. It got me thinking about how much I do love my field and how stupid I would be to go back to school to try to do something totally unrelated. I didn’t even get a chance to do what I want to do with my degree. Which BTW I am getting a frame for this weekend so I can hang it up at work. But I digress.

I plan on staying at Barton until I can no longer work (I am hoping to get at least another 2 good years outta myself). Then I can decide on the whole transplant thing and IF I decide to go through with it I can then apply at my dream company and hopefully work there once I am transplanted and recovered.

Maybe I only love it right now because I was out for so long. I do remember weeks where I was ready to scream because I was so bored. But I have my annual review on Wednesday (keep your fingers crossed for a great raise!) and I plan on telling them that I would like to help more in the interior design of some of the jobs we have. We have another ID person who just graduated in May who does all the ID work that we get – which is not a lot mind you. But I think management forgets that my degree is also ID so they never grab me for help. But I would like to get some of that experience. We did do an ID job back in the winter and I loved it. Nothing major just schedules, and finish call outs, but it was still ID work nonetheless. And if I can start doing more of that, and I don’t decide on the tx then at least I won’t feel like I wasted my degree!!!!

That's all the ramblings for today. It's gorgeous outside and I need to design a new Habitat house :)

Sad sad news :(

CF has once again taken another life. Roshelle was 28 years old when she passed from complications due to CF at 7:30 am Wednesday, August 6th. I have been keeping up with her blogs on cysticfibrosis.com (her screen name was hairgirl for anyone interested in reading them) and the last one she wrote was on August 5th saying goodbye to us. She was having her bi-pap removed which was basically keeping her alive.

I am so sad and so heartbroken. Though I have been expecting to read this news for a couple days it does not make it any easier to hear. I guess a small part of me was hoping that she would last longer, that she would miraculously recover. But we all know that is not possible.

Breate Easy Ro! We will always remember you!

here is her blog if anyone is interested:
http://tdaah.blogspot.com/

Article about ME

A friend of mine on CF.com keeps a blog about CF. She is a professional writer and her blog is dedicated to educating to population about CF. Back in May she wrote an article featuring me :)

Check it out...

http://understandingcysticfibrosis.blogspot.com/2008/05/career-spotlight-architectural-designer.html

She is an amazing writer and person!

Dilema...argh

I keep thinking about November. It marks the end of my life as I know it. It marks the end of my independence. It marks the end of my freedom. It is the month I move back in with my mom. Harsh? Over dramatic? I think not!

I have spent years building my independence, making sure I could support myself, making sure I never needed to rely on ANYONE. I always assumed that when the time came for me to loose my financial freedom I would be married and not have to worry about what to do with myself. And quit frankly I don’t think I ever REALLY thought about it in the first place. Well it seems that the time is getting closer and I am not married. I don’t even have a prospect in the making. All I have is a few bills that I pay each month and a dog that I adore.

I keep trying to convince myself that living at home will be great. I will save a lot of money that I can put away for when I got out on SSDI. I won’t have to worry about rent, utilities or annoying landlords. I will be able to pay off all my bad debt (loan and credit card which will be done by December this year thank you very much!). My mom already told me we can put my living room furniture in the living room and that can be my room. I won’t have to live in the hell hole of an apartment I am in now.

Then I think of all the bad things that come with moving back home. No privacy. No nights where it is just me. No being able to come home and make dinner and just relax. Not being able to bring a guy back to my place (ok yeah I don’t ever do that but hey at least the choice is there. Living in a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom house with only a living room and family room to hang out in with 3 adults and a dog. Having to deal with my mom and Harry’s slew of friends that constantly come and go everyday. Having to deal with my mom and Harry everyday. Having to tell people that yeah I live at home and I am 28 years old.

What if I live another 15 years and never get married? That means that I will be living with my mom for the next 15 years!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know about you but that idea scares the living begeezes outta me!! It’s gonna be very difficult to find a guy that is gonna wanna date me when I live with my mom and her BF and I barely work or not at all, oh and don’t forget the incurable disease that will kill me early. Wow I sound like a real winner huh? Who wants to date me?!?! C’mon now boys no pushing and shoving there is plenty to go around! Oh wait what? There is no one in line?!?! Big surprise there!

I feel like I huge loser! I know plenty of people that live at home still and it doesn’t bother them. But that is them, not me. I have always lived my life saying that if you can afford to live own your own you should. It’s one thing to be 25, engaged and saving money for a house.

As I am writing this I am going through my head all my friends. Sad but true, they are all taken, with boyfriends or husbands. And they are all living with them, minus one who is at home with her mom, but she is inheriting the house so there is no reason for her to move. So I don’t even have an option for a roommate!
Let’s see:
Kim – Drew (married, house & baby)
Carrie – Dave (married, house & 3 kids)
Lauren – Paul (apartment)
Julie – Lou (moving into his apartment) (also current roommate)
April – Tim (buying a house & 3 kids combined)
Denise – Nick (house)
Kristin – Nick (married, house & baby)
Judy – Jimmy? (living with mom for aforementioned reasons)

See what I mean? And I am not comfortable enough to go live with someone I don’t know. Plus I am not easy to get along with so someone would have to be used to me and my mood swings in order to live with me.

That basically leaves me with trying to find a cheap apartment that takes pets and has an opening for November 1st. Of course there is that little nagging voice that is telling me that I need to be careful because what if I get sick again this winter like I did last year? I barely made my rent payments then. That is the little voice that is telling me to suck it up and move in with mommy dearest and Harry. I want to squish that little f***ing voice!

I don’t want to stop working full time. I don’t want to move back in with my mom. I don’t want to resign to this f***ing disease! All I want is to make it until I am 30 before I need to move back home. That gives me 2 more years. How hard is that? I saw my life not working and I was bored stiff. I need to work. It is something that keeps me going. It keeps me sane. It keeps me mentally healthy. This summer was retched! Sure spending time at home by the pool was fun but it got old quick. It would be different if I was lugging around an O2 tank but I am not at that point yet.

Wow what a day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t even know where to begin about today! I had so much fun!!!!!!! My “friend” P picked me up and we went out on his wave runner this afternoon. I have never been on one before and let me tell you, I was a wee bit nervous at first! The thing is super fast and you are only holding on to the person in front of you (which BTW I didn’t mind at all). It was so freaking cool!

We put in down at Bristol and then headed to Philly. The Delaware looked good today, not as mucky as some days! It was an all around beautiful day!!! The sky was bright blue, the sun was warm but not scorching, and the water temp was decent. I was in heaven.

The first few minutes I had to get used to the speed. I was scared, I’ll admit it. But I trust P, a lot. I knew he wouldn’t let anything happen to me. Plus it was very rocky today with all the boats out and the wind. Hitting the waves though was awesome after I got used to the movement of the wave runner. It was almost like riding a horse. You just have to move your body with the flow of it. When it bounces you bounce, etc. I will say that I will have nicely worn out ass cheeks tomorrow morning! All that bouncing tore my ass up!! But that’s ok.

We met up with one of his buddies he works with. They were out in their boat just anchored off shore a little, drifting and relaxing. We tied up for about 30 minutes. P wanted to open up the runner so he dropped me on the boat fast and tore it up for a few minutes. You can’t do it with 2 people on it so I didn’t mind being dropped off. Plus I am a wuss and would probably be super scared!

We left them and headed up to “penetration” island (take a guess why it’s called that haha!!). It’s a nice place to stop though because of the sand and being able to just ride right up on the beach. We grounded the runner and swim for a little bit. The water was so nice and it felt great just being out there. We didn’t stay too long since we wanted to stop at one of the boat marinas restaurant and grab a quick bite.

We rode over to it only to find it way packed. Instead we headed up river some more to goof off. I didn’t mind. The sun felt great and it was less rocky so we could speed up a bit. Yes that’s right I was enjoying the speed!! Scaredy cat me liked it!!!!!

I can’t tell you how much fun we had! It was awesome. I haven’t had a great day like that in a very long time!!! My lungs felt awesome too. I brought my portable neb with me just in case but I didn’t need it. The bouncing loosened up some fun junk which was great. P said that was his goal, clear me out! Haha I told him it would take more than a few hours on a wave runner to get rid of all my shit in there!!! He laughed.

We passed by the mansion I want to get married at too...Penn Ryn. The place is spectacular! I visited it a few years ago for my architecture class and fell in love with it!!! Now since everyone knows (or didn't and knows now) I am a HUGE signs person. I believe in all that mumbo jumbo but hey I'm allowed! I was keeping my eyes straight ahead most of the time, only looking around a little, and never looking straight sideways to see what was on the shore line. I could see houses and all when we were coming up to them so I never needed to check them out when we flew past. Well the ONE time I do look over (and the first time on our ride down) and Penn Ryn is dead ahead of me. I almost shit a brick! It was the best sign, even if I think it may be a fruitless one. Penn Ryn is hidden by alot of trees so it's not like I saw it coming and then looked. Plus I completely forgot about it until I saw it. Then on the way back he said something about it. He was like "Penn Ryn is up here a bit, I can't believe I missed it on the way down". Which I in turn said that I had seen it on the way down and that I want to get married there someday.

All in all I will have to say that it was a perfect day! Then again anytime I hang out with him I have an amazing time. Guess that’s what happens when you fall for someone. :D

<3

Corn on the cob and tomatoes

I couldn't think of a fun title so I wrote what I had for dinner LOL!

I am so exhausted today. The week has finally caught up with me. I am looking forward to a relaxing night at home reading and then off to bed. I only have a few pages left in my book so I will finish them and then head to the 'ole sack.

But I know you are all (ok yeah my 3-4 readers haha) more interested in other things and not reading what I am doing this evening. So I will grace you with my ramblings.

I passed a few horse trailers on my way home from work this evening. There must have been a show somewhere because I rarely see them on the turnpike. The one had a cute little butt sticking out of the back. It was a beautiful bay. It made me think how much I miss riding. It is probably the one regret I DO have in life. I try not to regret much since everything is a learning experience. But that is definitely on the list. Why did I stop in the first place? Oh that's right, boys and college. Riding horses doesn't fit in well with the schedule of seeing your boyfriend and friends and getting drunk all the time. Oh well. Again I can't regret it (even if I do) because now I know how much I miss it and loved it. I still have my saddle and tack trunk at my brothers with my stuff in it. Not like I will be able to use it anytime soon. And when I do I will need to buy new stirups and stirup leathers because mine got all moldy and I had to chuck them. I even have my riding boots and some of my britches still in my drawers. Even my lucky riding socks that I wore when I had shows. They are old and raggedy but they are my lucky socks.

Then I got to thinking about how I would love to start back up again. Maybe when the time comes for me to go out on SSDI I can look into getting back into it. I couldn't go to the farm anymore since my dad and aunt are in a huge lawsuit right now. That would just be weird since I totally agree with my dad and even my aunt's lawyers think she is loopy. I love the farm though!!!! I do miss it. I miss all the fun smells. Yes I am one of the few wackos that enjoys the smell of horse manure. I love getting dirty and sweaty. It's all for the love of the ride.

It is so calming sitting on the back of a horse and letting its movements take over you. I can remember sitting in the saddle and forgetting all my problems, not that there were that many back when I was 17. But still, just sitting there, the feel of the worn leather under your butt, the smell of the horse filling your nostrils, the sound of the hooves clapping on the ground. Its rhythmic and invigorating and intoxicating and soothing. God how I miss it!!!!!!!!!

I miss the smell of the dew on an early Sunday morning before the rest of the world is up and you and your friends are loading the horses on the trailer and all your tack, preparing for the show. Everyone is running around in their britches and a tank with their socks up to their knees. The sun hasn't even come up yet, but you are wide awake in anticipation for the day. Knowing full well you won't be home for 18 hours and when you do get home you will colapse into bed from shear exhaustion. Those were the days! The days when life seemed so easy and carefree.

I wish I had pictures of me on a horse back in the day. I might, I will just have to look around and see if I can find one. I rode Premier, Spyder, Bruizer and Jenny. Premier was my favorite. He had well known parents and was basically a push button horse. I won alot of ribbons on him. He wa smore of a huge dog than anything! One day at a show he ate the hot dog right out of a little kids hands!!! And he gave kisses. If you turned your face to him and patted your cheek he would nudge you! Spyder was a handful! He was the testiest horse I ever sat on!!! We would canter down the ring and he would try his hardest to buck me off!!!! He only succeeded a few times LOL. He taught me a lot and put me in great shape. Bruizer was one of my favorites. He had the typical quarter horse ass. You could spot it from a mile away!!! He was for sale when I rode him and I wish I could have bought him. The day he was hauled off I sat in my dad's bedroom watching the trailer leave the farm and I cried.

Jenny was my all time favorite. I wanted to buy her so badly but I couldn't. I rode her every day the summer that I lived on the farm. We got along very well and we figured each other out. I rode her in a show once but I placed 5th across the board. Not bad but there were only 5 entries :) It was an equitation class and my equitation sucks!!! Equitation classes judge the rider not the horse. Most classes (like childrens) judge on the horse. I was still so thrilled to ride her though!!!! I an remember the day like it was yesterday! I can remember sitting in the truck getting ready, I can remember practicing in the ring that was really a field with hills, I can remember being in the ring showing her and being so happy! After the summer ended I headed back to school and tried to get up to ride her when I could. Someone decided that all the hard work I put into her over the summer was worthwhile so they began leasing her, which meant I couldnt' ride her anymore. Then I got the call one night. I was in my car with my BF at the time and we were leaving our friends house. My dad calls me to tell me that Jenny had a brain annurism (sp?) the night before and she died. I lost it. I was hysterically crying. My BF couldn't figure out why I was so attached to the horse, but I was. I loved her with all my heart. I was so sad. It still makes me sad to think of it. I miss her and her grumpy self. Because as much as we got along she was a grumpy bitch!!! I think that is why we loved each other. I didn't put up with what she handed me and she loved trying to get me to squirm. It was a love/hate relationship. I can not wait till the day I die when I can ride her up in heaven! I will brush her gorgeous coat and mane and ride her off into the sunset.

This is Jenny: