I keep thinking about November. It marks the end of my life as I know it. It marks the end of my independence. It marks the end of my freedom. It is the month I move back in with my mom. Harsh? Over dramatic? I think not!
I have spent years building my independence, making sure I could support myself, making sure I never needed to rely on ANYONE. I always assumed that when the time came for me to loose my financial freedom I would be married and not have to worry about what to do with myself. And quit frankly I don’t think I ever REALLY thought about it in the first place. Well it seems that the time is getting closer and I am not married. I don’t even have a prospect in the making. All I have is a few bills that I pay each month and a dog that I adore.
I keep trying to convince myself that living at home will be great. I will save a lot of money that I can put away for when I got out on SSDI. I won’t have to worry about rent, utilities or annoying landlords. I will be able to pay off all my bad debt (loan and credit card which will be done by December this year thank you very much!). My mom already told me we can put my living room furniture in the living room and that can be my room. I won’t have to live in the hell hole of an apartment I am in now.
Then I think of all the bad things that come with moving back home. No privacy. No nights where it is just me. No being able to come home and make dinner and just relax. Not being able to bring a guy back to my place (ok yeah I don’t ever do that but hey at least the choice is there. Living in a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom house with only a living room and family room to hang out in with 3 adults and a dog. Having to deal with my mom and Harry’s slew of friends that constantly come and go everyday. Having to deal with my mom and Harry everyday. Having to tell people that yeah I live at home and I am 28 years old.
What if I live another 15 years and never get married? That means that I will be living with my mom for the next 15 years!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know about you but that idea scares the living begeezes outta me!! It’s gonna be very difficult to find a guy that is gonna wanna date me when I live with my mom and her BF and I barely work or not at all, oh and don’t forget the incurable disease that will kill me early. Wow I sound like a real winner huh? Who wants to date me?!?! C’mon now boys no pushing and shoving there is plenty to go around! Oh wait what? There is no one in line?!?! Big surprise there!
I feel like I huge loser! I know plenty of people that live at home still and it doesn’t bother them. But that is them, not me. I have always lived my life saying that if you can afford to live own your own you should. It’s one thing to be 25, engaged and saving money for a house.
As I am writing this I am going through my head all my friends. Sad but true, they are all taken, with boyfriends or husbands. And they are all living with them, minus one who is at home with her mom, but she is inheriting the house so there is no reason for her to move. So I don’t even have an option for a roommate!
Kim – Drew (married, house & baby)
Carrie – Dave (married, house & 3 kids)
Lauren – Paul (apartment)
Julie – Lou (moving into his apartment) (also current roommate)
April – Tim (buying a house & 3 kids combined)
Denise – Nick (house)
Kristin – Nick (married, house & baby)
Judy – Jimmy? (living with mom for aforementioned reasons)
See what I mean? And I am not comfortable enough to go live with someone I don’t know. Plus I am not easy to get along with so someone would have to be used to me and my mood swings in order to live with me.
That basically leaves me with trying to find a cheap apartment that takes pets and has an opening for November 1st. Of course there is that little nagging voice that is telling me that I need to be careful because what if I get sick again this winter like I did last year? I barely made my rent payments then. That is the little voice that is telling me to suck it up and move in with mommy dearest and Harry. I want to squish that little f***ing voice!
I don’t want to stop working full time. I don’t want to move back in with my mom. I don’t want to resign to this f***ing disease! All I want is to make it until I am 30 before I need to move back home. That gives me 2 more years. How hard is that? I saw my life not working and I was bored stiff. I need to work. It is something that keeps me going. It keeps me sane. It keeps me mentally healthy. This summer was retched! Sure spending time at home by the pool was fun but it got old quick. It would be different if I was lugging around an O2 tank but I am not at that point yet.