I couldn’t sleep so I decided to blog. It’s the new thing to do I hear! Anyway…I was laying in bed thinking about how un-stressed I have been the last few days and thinking about why. Well the answer is I haven’t worked since Tuesday! It doesn’t seem like long I know but for me it has been a vacation. I have slept until I wanted to get up, I have lounged around the house reading, I have gotten things done at a leisurely pace. I even went out Friday night!!!! OMG that is a first for me in
However, the thought of being out of work completely terrifies me.
Sorry I digress…So I was laying in bed and thinking about what it would take for me to quit working. I love my job, I love the people I work with and I would miss them terribly, but I miss having energy too. I’m torn. I CAN work. That is what gets me. But is it healthy for me to work? That is the question I need to ask myself. Can I survive one winter without being hospitalized while working? Right now I don’t think I can. I have high doubts that I will make it through this winter without a PICC and some IV meds to hold off that every brewing infection.
I think I just get worried that if I go out on SSDI I will have failed, that I will have let CF win. I know eventually it will win, but right now I still feel like I have a little bit of an advantage on it. Seriously VERY little, like 51-49. But it is there. Not working admits that I can’t work. Or that I am too lazy to work. I am afraid that people will view it that way. I know who the hell cares what others think but as much as I say that it doesn’t well it does.
And besides what the heck would I do with all my stuff? I would not be able to afford to pay for my jeep and insurance and rent and all that. I would be forced to move in with my mom which would mean a move long before I was intending too. Of course if I went out on LTD (long term disability) then I would be making more than SSDI. See its so hard to figure this all out. Do I do LTD for a year and see how I fair and if the results are good then stop work and apply for SSDI? Or do I just hold off a little longer, try to build up some savings (LMAO I don’t make nearly enough to do that, or save anything that would be of any use to me), and wait until my doctor says I NEED to stop working?
Everyone reading this knows what I will do. I will add this to the barrage of blogs I have on the subject and let it go for a few more weeks or