Monday, December 1, 2008

Where shall I go from here?

I have that antsy feeling.  Discontent, out of sorts, restless, anxious, edgy.  All the same things I felt when I was deciding whether or not to move to Arizona back in 2002 (before the EX and I got back together).  I feel like I need change; like everything is not in place right now.  Something needs to happen be it with me, my job, or my friends.  I don’t know…I just know I need something.  

Perhaps it is my feeling of uncertainty with my job.  The housing market blows right now which everyone is aware of and it has hit us here at work.  We have laid a few people off in the past few months and we are still short on work.  I get nervous that I might be next.  I work hard, I show up all the time, but I still don’t feel safe and secure.  I used to, before I got sick and before I changed my work schedule.  Now I feel like a slacker even though I am still working 40 hours a week.  I hate feeling like this.  

I hate needing to change my life.  It makes me nervous to ever settle down with someone.  Will I need change after a few years with that person or will I change with him?  That type of thing.  Beats me.  I just know that today at work I felt something stir in me…the stir that happened many moons ago and brought me to where I am now.  It took me a VERY long time (ok just a year but still) to act on that movement in me; will it take me that long yet again?  Or should I ignore it until the urge is too great and I do something drastic like move to Europe?  HA!  Kidding I could never do that, no matter how tempting it may seem.  But waiting that long made me jump into something I was not ready for.  I don’t want to do that again, nor do I want to sit around and wait for something to happen. 

If you are confused by this mess just imagine how I feel haha!  I can’t sort out everything in my head and this random blog hasn’t done anything either except voice it to the 7 people that read it.  

Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up with more direction in my life or maybe I will be just as confused…who knows…


  1. Ohhh... my heart goes out to you! Although I don't know what you are going though, I know what it feels like to wake up feeling confused, anxious and worried. As a mother of an autistic child and a suffer of PTSD, sometimes you just have to take one day at a time.

    What has helped me the most is reaching out to others in different/difficult situations beyond my comprehension. It's why I started As a person with CF I would greatly appreciate any insite you would wish to share so I can help educate and support other people of CF.

    Kindest regards,
    founder of special needs business