Marriage Rant

I am opening this blog saying I don’t want to hear anything like “oh maybe someday” or “well you never know”.  This is purely an opinion of me, the blog owner, and remember I hold the complete rights to delete any comments left that I dislike.  HAHA you know I will never delete them unless they are totally mean!!!!  But seriously, please don’t leave any comments trying to lift my spirits because I never said they were down in this blog.  This is not a Debbie Downer blog, it is a matter of fact blog, so remember that going in, k? 

Did you ever just KNOW something?  For me I always knew I would never have kids.  Not because of the CF but I just never saw it with me.  For as long as I can remember I wanted babies.  I always wanted to be a mom and a wife and do all t he things that mom’s and wives do.  But for as long as I can remember I never saw me that way.  Not sure if that makes sense.  As much as I dreamed of having kids I just always thought it was a distant fantasy, that would never come true.  Now I know that I was right.  I will never have babies.  My health is too crappy and if I do decide to have a transplant I won’t have them after either.  But I am fine with that.  I am ok with it I think because of knowing I really never would.  I had no idea having babies was frowned upon with CFers until recently so its not like that was playing in my head.  I just never saw ME as a mom.  Weird yes I know! 

But that is meant to build up to my next insight.  I don’t think I am meant to marry.  Again, I always wanted to be a wife and do the domestic thing.  But I just don’t see ME as a wife.  I don’t see my settling down and being all wifey.  My friend D and I chatted about this a few years ago and I said I just didn’t see how I fit the mold of a wife.  She said I didn’t fit the mold of a traditional wife but she thought I would make a good one.  Yes I think I would make a good one too but I just don’t see me in those shoes.  It’s hard to explain what I mean.  Yes I would like to get married and yes I wanna find the man of my dreams and marry him and be super happy but I know my happiness doesn’t depend on a man and especially not on the man of my dreams.  I am happy now.  (My mood has risen since the holidays are just about over and I now have New Year’s plans).  

All that to say that I get annoyed when people ask me when I am gonna get married or scoff at me when I say, yet again, that my boyfriend and I broke up.  I don’t wanna hear it.  I don’t want people telling me that I will never get married if I keep breaking up with people.  All I want to say is that I won’t marry anyone I am not head over heels in love with so that’s why I break up with everyone.  Nuff said in my opinion.  Why settle?  Why just get married to be married.  And why do I HAVE to get married?  All this hype and build up to spend forever with someone.  It’s quite frightening to me!  What if I change my mind 5 years from now?  Then I have to go through the process of a divorce!  EEKK!!!!!  

Being married, having a hubby and a family seems all hunkie-dorie but it just doesn’t seem like ME.