I just don’t know what the hell is wrong with me anymore. I am so bummed out and not myself lately. I know I get all crabby and moody around the holidays but I don’t remember it being this bad. I am just plain ole grumpy. And I don’t want to be. I am going to see about switching my anti-depressant or upping the dosage. Hopefully that will help me some.
I miss being the carefree woman I am. I miss wanting to dance around and sing and shout in my car when a fabulous song comes on the radio. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I am not me. I do absolutely NOTHING with my life except work and sleep. And the days I have off from work all I want to do is sleep. WTF? I have zero energy and zero desire to do anything. I used to be a social person. I used to visit with friends and family whenever I had the chance. Now I dread when people call because I will have to make up an excuse to not come out. What the hell happened to me? Who the fuck am I?
My cube-buddy at work, T, and I are very much alike. Well we used to be very much alike. She is who I used to be and want to be again. I look at her and talk to her and she is me. But I am not her. I am someone else. I have changed into someone I don’t like and don’t now how to get rid of.
I like sitting in my little bedroom doing nothing but screwing around on the computer or reading. That’s it. I will socialize with my internet friends and chat and talk like nothing is wrong but the whole time I feel like I am wearing a mask. Like I am putting on a show for everyone. Trying to be that person that I am supposed to be. The person that I once was.
I have my moments of happiness, don’t get me wrong. I can be happy at work, actually I usually am. T and I have a lot of fun. We get our work done but we have fun doing it. Like I said before we are very much alike. That is one of the few times I feel like I can see myself again. But once I leave work or on the weekends I can’t find that person. She is sleeping, hiding, gone. Sometimes she will surface when I am with my nephew or my friends’ kiddies. But that is short lived since my energy is short lived as well.
I wonder if my depression is deepening, but I don’t cry and I don’t feel like I did when I hit rock bottom last year. I just feel blah. Like life is advancing, people are living and I am just here. I don’t feel like I am living at all. I feel like I am surviving, trying to make it through each day without lung pain, SOB, and coughing fits that render me exhausted. I am not even in need of a tune up. Maybe just a mental tune up perhaps. I don’t know.
I have no idea if this blog is even making any sense, or if everyone now thinks I am a total whack job. I really don’t care. My mind is a disaster, my heart desolate, my body exhausted.