Saturday, December 20, 2008

Well I decided to blog about it

I wasn't going to but hey this is my blog and I can be as depressing as I want right?
So beware...this blog will contain rants and such that may not be taken lightly by some.  Fortunately this blog is not stained with tears as so many prior have been.  I guess I am out of tears.  I used up my yearly quota months ago.  Perhaps that is a good thing.

I just don’t know what the hell is wrong with me anymore.  I am so bummed out and not myself lately.  I know I get all crabby and moody around the holidays but I don’t remember it being this bad.  I am just plain ole grumpy.  And I don’t want to be.  I am going to see about switching my anti-depressant or upping the dosage.  Hopefully that will help me some. 

I miss being the carefree woman I am.  I miss wanting to dance around and sing and shout in my car when a fabulous song comes on the radio.  I don’t even recognize myself anymore.  I am not me.  I do absolutely NOTHING with my life except work and sleep.  And the days I have off from work all I want to do is sleep.  WTF?  I have zero energy and zero desire to do anything.  I used to be a social person.  I used to visit with friends and family whenever I had the chance.  Now I dread when people call because I will have to make up an excuse to not come out.  What the hell happened to me?  Who the fuck am I? 

My cube-buddy at work, T, and I are very much alike.  Well we used to be very much alike.  She is who I used to be and want to be again.  I look at her and talk to her and she is me.  But I am not her.  I am someone else.  I have changed into someone I don’t like and don’t now how to get rid of.  

I like sitting in my little bedroom doing nothing but screwing around on the computer or reading.  That’s it.  I will socialize with my internet friends and chat and talk like nothing is wrong but the whole time I feel like I am wearing a mask.  Like I am putting on a show for everyone.  Trying to be that person that I am supposed to be.  The person that I once was.  

I have my moments of happiness, don’t get me wrong.  I can be happy at work, actually I usually am.  T and I have a lot of fun.  We get our work done but we have fun doing it.  Like I said before we are very much alike.  That is one of the few times I feel like I can see myself again.  But once I leave work or on the weekends I can’t find that person.  She is sleeping, hiding, gone.  Sometimes she will surface when I am with my nephew or my friends’ kiddies.  But that is short lived since my energy is short lived as well. 

I wonder if my depression is deepening, but I don’t cry and I don’t feel like I did when I hit rock bottom last year.  I just feel blah.  Like life is advancing, people are living and I am just here.  I don’t feel like I am living at all.  I feel like I am surviving, trying to make it through each day without lung pain, SOB, and coughing fits that render me exhausted.  I am not even in need of a tune up.  Maybe just a mental tune up perhaps.  I don’t know. 

I have no idea if this blog is even making any sense, or if everyone now thinks I am a total whack job.  I really don’t care.  My mind is a disaster, my heart desolate, my body exhausted.


  1. I completely understand where you are coming from.

    On a different note.... I gave you the Lemonade award. Go to my blog for details.

  2. It's not easy dealing with "life" when you have a chronic illness and constantly feel bad and constantly have to think about your health.
    This past year for me, I have withdrawn from everyone, except the online world.. even my family. I am just now getting back out and socializing, but of course it's b/c I am feeling better since transplant.
    I don't think what you are going through is unusual at all. I think you are dealing with everything terrifically! I do think it's a good idea to ask about upping your anti-depressant, but also to understand that you might not have to be on it forever. I really admire you for working Amy, and for not giving up. I think you have a great attitude, and you should never ever feel bad for withdrawing or getting depressed, or not feeling like yourself. This disease can suck a whole lot more out of us than just air!
    I'm sending you big hugs!!!!

  3. I am withdrawing too... Sometimes it's much worse then it was before. Right now it's not as bad. Though I still really don't mind having do to absolutely nothing. And I did some grocery shopping with my dad and found that it was just too crowded for me. A few years back I couldn't care but now I have noticed me thinking that a few times these past few months.

    I am much better 'talking' on the internet then in real life. Although I have been quieter online too, I notice. I am trying to plan lots just to keep myself busy. And luckily my friends still ask me to do things.. Otherwise, I don't know...

  4. I'm sorry Amy! It does sound like depression. I know that I get that way and I hate it! I think that we all go through times like that, but if yours in hanging on too long, I think that it is a good idea to talk to the doctor. Also, run vitamin levels and make sure nothing is amiss. Check Vit. D. This time of year is hard for getting in sun and they are finding out more and more of people who are deficient in that. So, it is worth a shot!

    Also, just give yourself a break. CF freakin sucks and you have so much to deal with with that. You have a right to be tired. And if you tell yourself that you shouldn't, it ends up being a horrible mental cycle. Try to just let yourself "be" with no judgment. Not sure if that makes any sense, but making that mind shift has done wonders for me lately.

    Hang in there my friend!


  5. I think all the other comments pretty much nailed what I was thinking. I don't think any adult with cf could NOT suffer with depression now and then. We deal with so friggin much, and even when we're healthy we don't feel *good.* I am with Christy about seeing about a possible medication adjustment. I have hit really low points exactly like what you are describing, and sometimes a little tweak of the meds can do wonders. A lot of it really is chemical, ya know? Anyway, you know I love ya girl, and I'm here if you need to vent. You rock, Amy.

  6. Amy I am going thru the exact same thing. I dont take any depression medicine. I keep telling myself that I am not depressed, just lazy ;) I took depression meds a couple of years ago, so maybe I should again? Anyway I hope you start seeing your old self again soon. We are all here for you!


  7. Every CFer is entitled to an off period really. Its only fair. Hopefully that blog entry helped even just a tiny bit. Plus, its winter, i don't think many have the energy to bound up and down 24/7. Xxx

  8. I won't repeat myself; it might get annoying. I have depression, and have battled it for 23 yrs. Some days I am psychologically completely incapacitated, occasionally to the point of poor self care. One recent birthday, I hit rock bottom and near said to heck with life. I was in a fog of complete malfunction for a week.

    I have only been on St. John's wort, which has been good, but it's no replacement for just learning lessons in life's situations. Why did I get so upset. What can I do to divorce myself from a situation. What exactly is going on that is good in my life, and can I increase that?

    Depression is a beast. Thee may be no conquering it, but each and every day we can learn new ways to tame it. For me, midnigt is a clean slate. Leting go of yesterday. Beginning cleanly. The default is good; it's just a matter of trying to keep the day good throughout.

    I'm fighting with you. It's Mob Wars on Facebook, home skillet!


  9. Thanks all. I spent the day with my BFF and her son. I was kinda forced too since I was out and she called and needed help picking paint for their new family room today. So I went over and 5 hours later I came home. It was nice. I felt somewhat normal. Though I left utterly exhausted and SOB but hey at least I smiled and laughed right? :)

  10. I'm sending you all of the positive vibes I can girl! I hope that you get through this slump, and can feel better soon. Definitely get those vit levels checked.